From the diary of missing ex-EQ player Moorgard.

08/06/2003



My visit to SOE office.



So I get brought down to the totally lame SOE offices in totally lame california, and they bring me and a bunch of other web people to this room and try to stuff stale bagels and cold coffee down our throats. but I was like "no way, you can't buy my journalistic integrity with this crap food, man! go get me a steak or something!" and that made them back off cuz no way were they springing for a steak for me. also, I was waving my arms all wild and shit, which probably scared them too.

anyway they bring in all the people who said they made that playstation version of EQ, and I'm all like "who would want to play this piece of crap?" and they're like "we sold like 20 copies so far, and almost all of them are still playing at least a few hours a week." so they give me a controller and I give it a spin, cuz I'm impartial and shit--as you know--and after about 10 seconds it's obvious that the whole game is just a ripoff of Zelda. I mean, I think they totally just changed the logo or something and straight out pirated that game. and so I say "way to copy Zelda, you dicks!" they got all nervous and freaked out with the denials. but I was like "hahahahaha U R so busted!" and I laughed my ass off for like five minutes. god that was funny!

so after I /pwned the EQOR (EQ Online Ripoff) team, the regular EQ guys came in. leading the way was Smed himself, and he saw me and was like "hey who let him in here?" and he started yelling at the nice PR lady that had invited me, so I was all up in his face and was like "yo, back off, dude, or I will PvP you!" that freaked Smed out and he screamed out "Rich, help me dammit!" now this is when it got scary.

in comes this massive dude, looking all like the ogres in Tactics and shit, and it turns out this is Rich Waters. so I'm all like "no way, don't touch me, I will evade you!" and he chases me a while, but I'm glad to say he got tired out cuz I move like a ninja and he does not.

so I'm feeling pretty good about myself when all of a sudden somebody hurls a keyboard at me and it hits me upside the head, which makes me go "hey WTF????" and I see this crazy old man in the corner start cackling, and he's like "hahaha! up yours Moorgard, that's for dissing armor dyes!" and I was like "ABSOR YOU DICK!" but that damn keyboard hurt my head so I couldn't chase after him just then. I still plan to teach him a lesson tho.

anyway then Scott Hartsman comes in and is like "so do you have questions, mr. mobhunter guy?" and I'm all like "hell yeah I got questions. how about this one: WHEN ARE YOU GONNA FIX THE GODDAM GAME????" and he was like "bahaha, it's as fixed as you'll ever see it." and I'm like "dude, that is so wrong! what about us monks that you screwed over?" and he's like "dude, that's the first class we finally got right! well second I guess, cuz we got necros almost where we want em again after another nerf or two." that really pissed me off, and I said "Scott Hartsman, you are a DICK!" and he was all like "whatever, l4m3r, u truly suck." what sucks is that I couldn't come up with a good response for that.

meanwhile some gomer is snapping pictures and talking all kinds of shit, and I was like "dude what is your deal?" And he was like "I am Nathan Pearce the web guy, and I want to show the world how you just got /pwned." and I was all like "dude, you and I both know that all those hidden links in your newsletters are just there on accident" and he got all quiet and shit, which means I was right. as if there's any doubt about that.

so then the door opens and all those guys start cowering in the corner, and I'm all like "uh oh WTF?" this dude with crazy hair comes in and starts freaking out at me, and he's all "what the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" and I was like "OMG who are you?" and he was all "I am Rod Humble, guv-nah" and I was like "OMG U R FRENCH! no wonder spawn times are so messed up!" which explains a lot, cuz this euro dude is out to get us hard working americans.

so anyway, here's a summary of what I found out this weekend:

eqoa = lame

eq = lame

swg = gonna be lame

eq2 = gonna be hella lame

planetside = the /pwn cuz I can PvP ur aZZ

as my final act of rebellion I stole a package of copy paper on my way out, cuz ain't no way I'm letting those dicks get away with taking my $13 a month without anything to show for it. the whole weekend confirms what I said all along, that SOE just stands for SCREW OUR ENDUSERS, or something close to that. (sorry, I thought of a kewler one last night but I got wasted and forgot it.)

anyway that's what happened to me while I got you the REAL TRUTH about what goes on at SOE. I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of Brad McQuaid chained up in a little cell there, but the cops didn't believe me when I told them. sorry, Brad, I tried. peace.

 

From the diary of still missing MOORGARD (1970-2003)