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Was I being unreasonable?
Draenor
Member UncommonPosts: 7,918
I've decided that I'm going to conduct a poll on recent events in my life. As some of you may know, I've been experiencing a great deal of drama due to people with two X chromosomes lately. I'm going to give you the story, as unbiased as I possibly can, and you're going to tell me if you believe that I was being unreasonable, or if I acted as any rational person would.
About a month ago I spoke to a female friend of mine. The night before she had posted a bulletin on myspace saying that she was going to "drink her life away" This bothered me, and I expressed that concern to her. She got pretty mad at me, so the next day, I talked to her. I told her that I didn't mean to attack her character or anything of that sort. Well, one thing led to another, and she told me that the reason she drinks is because a year ago, she had an abortion and feels like she has a second chance at life, so she wants to live her life as freely as she can.
Being the Christian guy that I am, I was very bothered by this. I've had many friends who drink, but never one who used alcohol as such a tool for coping with problems of the past. So we spoke for an hour about her past, and I told her that I was there for her if she needed me. She seemed to appreciate that, and our conversation ended on a happy note, we had learned a lot about eachother in those few hours, and I was happy that our friendship had grown, even though it was something painful for her, at least now I could help her cope. I knew I wouldn't be able to make her problems go away, but at least I could be there for her.
The next day a friend of mine pulled up next to me in the parking lot of my school, he told me that she had told him the night before, that she had feelings for me.
I had felt the same way about her for a few weeks, so I was happy abou this, and I decided to tell her that I felt the same way.
We told eachother that we had feelings for eachother, and that we both wanted a relationship. She told me that her life was very hectic at that point in time, and that although it was definitely something that she desired, it wasn't something that she was able to commit to at that very point in time. I understood that, and we decided to just see where it led us.
Over the next week, we saw eachother almost every day, and spoke to eachother via phone/AIM even more often. We were both very affectionate with eachother, and both of us seemed very happy. On the friday night of that week I spoke to her, and everything seemed great, she was going to spend that evening with an old high school friend, and pending her covering a friend's shift at work, we were going to see a movie on Saturday night. During that conversation she thanked me for being so understanding about her situation, and for being so patient with her as far as our relationship was concerned.
Saturday came, I called her, but she didn't answer, so I assumed that she was working, so I left her a voicemail and left it at that. She never called me back. Sunday came, I didn't hear from her. Monday came, she wasn't in a class that we share, and her sister told me that she was having a bad day, and that her weekend had been very stressful.
When I got home I sent her a text saying that I hope she was feeling better and that I was there for her if she wanted to vent or talk. She responded with a very short message to the effect of "I'm fine, don't worry about me, just girl stuff you know?"
She then logged onto AIM (Yes, I know, bad idea to talk to a PMS'ing woman on AIM about a relationship, I KNOW)
We talked for about 10 minutes about the future, and things seemed a little bit tense. At that point I stupidly brought up our relationship...to which she responded something to the effect of "I value our friendship, but there are things about me that you don't approve of, and you treat me like more than a friend when we are not"
I didn't understand the last part...She had gone from flirting with me, and being affectionate, to telling me not to treat her as anything more than a friend. So I told her that I did see her as more than a friend, and that she did matter to me more than my other friends, simply because of where we were, and how we treated eachother. She didn't budge, she wouldn't stop telling me that we were "just friends" Finally, she got mad, told me that she was tired, and logged off.
The next week we didn't speak to eachother, and the only contact that I had with her came in the form of a myspace bulletin with something to the effect of "I don't like anybody right now" in it. She also didn't show up to any of her classes that she shared with me.
On Friday I contacted her, and we seemed to patch things up...things were friendly, but I knew better than to bring up our relationship at that point. She went to San Diego that week for spring break, and I didn't talk to her for the rest of the week. When she got back, she contacted me, and we spoke for about a half hour, and things once again seemed friendly.
The next week at school, she still wasn't showing up for her classes, and I didn't hear from her for an entire week. The next week, she still wasn't showing up, and I still didn't hear from her. The next week, same story...so last week I sent her two messages, one asking her if she wanted to go to church with me on Saturday ( she had expressed to me that it was something that she wanted to do with me) and another asking if she wanted to go to something called Eagles Wings. (she had gone with me to Eagles Wings the last month and really enjoyed it so I thought that it was something that she might want to do)
She responded to neither message, so a little less than a week later I said screw it...I decided that she was just going to ignore me, and so I was going to make it very easy for her, so I stopped contacting her completely, and deleted any form of contact. I then wrote a detailed blog about the whole situation so that people would know why I've been so frustrated lately, and why I've been feeling depressed in general. I didn't go into detail as to the girl's past or anything like that, because some of the people who read my blog are friends of hers, and I wouldn't want to expose her that way.
A few days after I wrote that, her best friend logged onto AIM and told me that it was wrong of me to paint her as the "bad guy" in all of this, and that she had done nothing wrong.
Obviously, I disagreed...I don't think that it's right for someone to go from having feelings for someone, to just not talking to them at all. I asked her friend if she had a friend who she talked to every day and then that friend suddenly stopped talking to her, if she would think that there was a problem...she said that she didn't think she would think that there was a problem. Obviously that's a load of horse shit...but what do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable here with feeling hurt by this girl? Should I just be okay with it that she has decided to stop talking to me altogether without any kind of reason why? Was she being reasonable to expect me to just treat her like any other friend after expressing to me that she had feelings for me?
Oh...here's the kicker, last night I found out that she now has a boyfriend...so much for not being ready for a boyfriend right? I wasn't too broken up about it though...he can have her, I don't need someone who's going to treat me like a human toilet.
edit: Since this question wasn't quite and question that I really wanted ask because it didn't deal with my real frustration in this matter, please see the poll on the fourth page, thanks.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
Comments
Known quite a few girls like that, and frankly, you're lucky. Getting involved with them in any manner is almost always a bad idea and comes back to bite you in the ass.
Obviously she's a bit mentally unstable, I particularly found of interest her reason for drinking, "I had an abortion. I feel like I've got a second chance. So I'm going to live my life freely and get thrashed"?
Feel sorry for her boyfriend...
"The greatest trick the devil played on humanity in the 20th century was convincing them that he didn't exist." (Paraphrasing) C.S. Lewis
"If a mother can kill her own child, what is left before I kill you and you kill me?" -Mother Teresa when talking about abortion after accepting the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
When I get in situations like this what I do is picture myself outside the whole thing. Being outside of the situation takes the blinders off and helps you think clearer. Or if you have trouble doing that just consider what all your friends tell you, they aren't blinded. Plus they'll look out for you because they have your friendship in their interest (that is, if they're a protective friend like I am with my buddies).
Just move on man.
And while you're at it ask yourself why you would have feelings for someone who treats you like crap. That's usually a sign of being down on yourself. You don't deserve that.
Good luck.
Why even bothered getting involved with somebody with that many problems?
Considering that she claimed that she had an abortion, it sounds like she is both impulsive and irresponsible in her own egocentric world; she led you on without even considering your feelings just to leave in the dark when she felt like it. Having gotten an abortion (unless she had been raped) implies a lack of responsibility (using contraception)... if she had even been telling the truth.
While you might be desperate to find a woman (or not, since I don't know you personally), the kind of personality traits that she has implied are of a very bad person (if everything you've told us here is true).
She might be the most beautiful person in the world, but it won't matter at all if she scars you emotionally should you ever get involved very seriously with her.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but most are saturated with mercury.
This is a sequence of characters intended to produce some profound mental effect, but it has failed.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
1. A lot of women say one thing and do the total exact opposite. If they say they are ready to date and be in a relationship 99% of the time they feel the opposite. If they say they are not ready to date/relationship you will probably have a better chance.
2. If a woman has any anger/hatred/resentment/etc. pending against a male figure or their father stay very far away. They may not realize it but 99% of the time involvement with this type of woman will result in a short relationship. They do not realize they project their male hatred/resentment onto you. And it doesn't have to involve verbal/physical abuse/crazy episodes. One signal could be the relationship starting off good then taking a weird downward spiral.
3. Always trust your instinct. If it doesn't feel right don't go for it.
Don't be terrorized! You're more likely to die of a car accident, drowning, fire, or murder! More people die every year from prescription drugs than terrorism LOL!
Want to read something funny? She did have the whole "guys are jerks" complex...but apparently in this message she felt differently...yeah I know, she can't spell for crap, look past that though. This was sent to me on March 18th
"I WILL WARN YOU, THIS MESSAGE IS RANDOM AT TIMES
joe you are amazing, thank you so much for bein so patient with me today, when i get really upset like that its really hard for me to just remain calm and try to see both sides, but i do now
i spent alot of today thinking about everything going on with me latly, bout my pain with my loss, my family, where i am with school, work, and live in general, and with the boys, both in my past and present (you) and i just realized that god is with me, in ways i dont always see or am willin to recognize. so thank you, you are helping me in ways you have no idea.
cause i know you are a good person, and i am so thankful that we had that class together last semester
this whole year for me has been really hard tho, full of really high highs, but then some pretty crummy lows. but today i went on a walk, to just clear my mind, and prayed, i prayed very hard and very deeply, even sprouted a few tears that ive been trying to hold in, i prayed for god to help me, to guide me through this time in my life, and i felt as if my prayers were already bein answered, then totally random, i get home an am just watch TV, when all of a sudden this preacher comes on tv, his name was jole __ something cant remember, and he was talkin about exactly what i was prayin about earlier today. and it was just such a powerfull moment for me
that gave me the ability to look at my life and see that im on the right path, and that lettin go of all this pain and heart ache is the right thing to do, i hold so much regret in me tho, sometimes i just feel like im going to sufficate from all of it, some days i can look at it and realize that it was a decision that i have to live with, but other days i just feel as if i made such a huge mistake, and because of that i am in the state i am currently in. almost like punishment,
im tryin to have faith in myself and the new people that surround me, im tryin to allow my faith in jesus to give me the strength to become a better person, and i know that havin you around...will only be a good thing, you are such an amazing man, so understanding yet insightful, so gentle and curtious, so for that thank you, thank you, thank you, you may have sold me on this whole deal bout guys not all bein the same. i know his timin was right on when it came to me and you meeting, for that much i am thankful "
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
If you really trust the wisdom of certain people on these forums, you'll IM them.
Unless of course this is all an undercover study to observe how people respond to this kind of situations
Nobody on this forum knows her name, and there isn't any way that they could look at anything on my myspace and learn anything from it...she isn't anywhere on it. Googling this story will get you absolutely nothing, because it's all written in my own words...that message isn't available anywhere on my myspace, you would need to hack into my account in order to find out who sent it. The fact that she, or one of her friends, could stumble upon this website and put 2 and 2 together doesn't frighten me in the least, she doesn't have any friends who would be interested in this website, nor does she have any friends smart enough to do that.
Also, this is a study of sorts, I had a talk with her best friend last night and told her that if I put this story out there and asked people what they thought, that 99% of the people would see it my way, and think that she was being unreasonable...so yeah, in a way, this is an undercover study.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
She seems to be on a self destructive path (one doesn't need to be religious to see that), and I wouldn't personally be confident that whoever this new boyfreind of her's is, that he can and/or will help her in that regard. In fact, based on your description, I would not be surprised if a visit to a psychiatrist ends up with her being diagnosed with a fairly mild to medium case of bipolar disorder
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
Hemingway
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
You'll see a direct link to mmorpg.com.
At mmorpg.com anyone can look at what you've posted by simply clicking on your account and looking at what you've posted.
It isn't too tough for someone that knows anything about anything involving you to start speculating and rumour-mongering.
I was just giving you a heads up. Could be that there are no internet search engine junkies involved in your RL.
To bring this to another tone of condescendence: You should keep this kind of stuff private, or between trusted friends and professionals.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
Ok I read the whole thing. Congratulations. You are well on your way to becoming bitter against women. The more you date women, the more you will realize they have no fucking clue what they want until they're damaged goods with a chip on their shoulder- and that hardly anything they do makes sense; hence the more bitter you will become.
My prediction? She's divorced at least once inside of two years from now. Stay away.
You were just doing what anyone would do- trying to figure out WTF is going on... and god forbid that you vent your frustration; because everyone knows that this poor stupid girl is the REAL victim here... (nevermind that she's a victim of herself) and you'll be chastised for suggesting that you didn't do anything to deserve such treatment.
Sometimes I wish either men were hotter so I could be gay; or that I could just move off to Italy where the women are not so screwed up in the head yet. They're catching up to us to be sure- but they're still way better than anything you can find state side.
Ehh, I've been through enough by now to be able to say with relative certainty that I don't think I'll ever become very bitter or resentful of women...I'm not someone who holds an entire gender accountable for the stupidity of a few people...that's how rapists and other crazy people get started.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
You are 19? Give it time.
I think the people who claim to keep a positive attitude over the years are the ones you have to worry about- makes you wonder what the hell kind of kool-aid they're drinking...
You will turn to the dark side...
heh, trust me, you don't want me to spell out all the crap that I've been put through by the opposite sex...this is a drop in the bucket compared to what I went through a few years ago...the only reason I'm posting this now is because I want to make 100% sure that I'm not the crazy one, and i figured the opinions of people who don't know me are as objective as it's going to get.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.
Hmmm, I know I don't know the whole situation but I voted yes. I just think that people need their space and constantly sending text messages and IM's isn't exactly the best way to let someone know that you like them. When a friend turns into more than a friend, the situation becomes completely different, even if you were the BEST of friends before it. The best advice I can offer is to let things happen naturally, don't try too hard. Then you won't be so dissapointed when something like this happens.
ET
haha, I don't think you read the whole story, nor was I "constantly sending text messages and IM's"
I called her once, she didn't pick up, and I sent her TWO texts over a period of almost a month...that's hardly clingy.
Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.