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A Question For Iraq Veteran's
gnomexxx
Member Posts: 2,920
I need some advice from fellow Iraq veteran's. I know there are some others of us on here because I've read some of your posts.
I'm just curious how you have been since you got home. I got back a few years ago and since then I have been getting sicker and sicker. It started a few months ago with headaches. Then I got diagnosed with migraines. But they kept getting worse and my latest diagnoses has become post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Now, I'm having panic attacks. I didn't even know really what they were until a had one a couple of days ago. They suck and I feel like I'm starting to go insane, I mean literally losing it.
Here's the deal. I'm not a pussy. I'm really not and I can handle a lot. Or at least I thought I could. I'm just completely confused because it's like it's another personality taking control of me. I find myself waking up at night crying. I also hear the docs say stuff about me and it's like a weird displaced person their talking about, because it just doesn't sound like they are referring to me. Inside I'm not a baby, but it's like my body is failing me and turning me into a freaking kid with no coping skills suddenly.
I'm really getting worried too because I feel alone in the whole thing. I feel like a failure as well. I don't want to be this way and it's pissing me off to no end. I have been meeting with a group at the V.A. Hospital, but only because my mom and dad are making me go. They say I"m changing too and it's really upsetting them. That's another reason I feel bad, I don't want to burden anyone.
I'm just curious if any of you other guys are having this problem. I can't believe this is happening to me. I've got an uncle who was in Vietnam and he's STILL pretty messed up at times. I don't want to be like that. But it's like there's nothing I can do to tell my brain to quit. I feel like my whole psyche is betraying me.
It's hard for me to say this, but I feel like I'm weak and something completely out of my control is taking over. 
===============================
Comments
Have you talked to anyone about it? They sound like they might be PTSD related. I suffer from the same things since a shoot-out I was in a couple of years ago. I have been told I should talk to a shrink, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Check with the VA and see if they can refer you to someone.
I shoot for the curve... anything above that is gravy.
===============================
I didn't know you served in Iraq - what branch?
www.draftgore.com
Gore '08
I have been told that talking about it is one of the best ways. Everyone handles stuff in their own way, don't get down on yourself, and don't be afraid to let others help. It will get better hang in there. Have you tried looking for other support groups (kinda like you did here by asking other vets). I know there has to be some with all you guys comming home. After see what you guys saw, and putting up with what you had to its only natural to have a reaction.
I shoot for the curve... anything above that is gravy.
Dude...you fought in a war. It's not exactly strange that you'd be having these reactions, so don't feel down about it. The majority of my friends who served overseas and made it home have had some similar problems. And honestly from what I can see the best treatment is a plant that is recognized for medicinal values in some parts of the world, yet remains illegal in the U.S., where it's probably needed the most.
Thats great!! Compound your problems with substance abuse!! Take somthing that will increase your paranoia and panic attacks, raise your heart rate, but it might help you not deal with what is really bothering you. GOOD ADVICE!
I shoot for the curve... anything above that is gravy.
Honestly the best thing to do is talk to people about it. Make sure you get to the root of what ever is causing you this deep emotional pain. It might be something you did. It might be something you saw. It might be a feeling you had. But make sure you find it and talk about it. The only people I know that haven't had issues when they got back are the ones that are already dead inside. They can't feel anything and so nothing bothers them. People like my friend who is a Seabee. He was in the Army and served, He was in the Marine Corps and served, and now he is a Seabee and served. He has done a total of 5 deployments to the desert, 1 to Africa, and 1 to Kosovo(sp?). He has seen a lot of bad stuff, but he doesn't care anymore. Early on his wife cheated on him with another SeaBee and that whole division covered it up. So he just doesn't care that much anymore about stuff.
But like i said your best bet is to definitely talk about it. Otherwise you will end up mess up for a long time. My Grandfather passed away at the age of 81 in 2006. He lied about his age and went to World War 2 at the age of 16. He served in the Pacific Campaign and the European Campaign. He got shot down 3 times and was injured three times. He landed at Normandy and was there when they liberated the concentration camps. He saw horrible things that the Japanese soldiers did in the Pacific Islands. One of the times he got shot down he had to live in a creek staying underwater, using the bathroom in the same water, with nothing to drink or eat for about 3 days. Every time he would lift his head out of the water the Japanese would fire at him. To the day he died he couldn't go into water that was above his waist. From the age of 20ish to the age of 50ish he woke up every night with nightmares. Finally he went and saw a psychologist and worked through some of the issues and that helped him to deal with it.
War Beta Tester
Make sure that you are eating pure food, getting sleep and plenty of exercise. Keeping your physical body in top shape will ideally help your mental state and hopefully help with your headaches.
Honestly, no... but as a 15P i didn't get out to much.
PTSD have nothing to do with being weak.
It's not only the thougth about perhaps being killed that puts a presure on your psyche - But also the thougth about killing. This presure is further multiplied by the fact that your buddies relies on you. If you fail to pull the trigger, your buddies, or your, life might be endangered.
Further on, the majority of the human race(Everyone except for 2%, the aggresive sociopaths) will have major problems with killing, and it can get really bad after the action have been carried out.
To turn common folks into soldiers capable of killing, western armies, especially, uses conditioning. Example: Instead of using bulls eye targets, like in the old days, they now use silhouettes. Silhouetttes spread across the terrain, that'll pop up, and then dissapear with in a certain amount of time. Soldiers learn to target the silhouette, take aaim, and pull the trigger quickly - Doing well in the training, will often result in rewards - Recognition in form of badges, often. This turns the whole shooting process into an instictive reaction, which means you'll be able to take down a target quickly without having to convince yourself to shoot. Spot, aim, fire. Just training all over again.
The effectiveness of this training is clearly showed in the statistics. Only 20% of the US Riflemen during world war II would fire their rifle in a normal combat situation - And out of those 20%, the majority was just possing, eg., overshooting their targets on purpose. During world war II, 2% of the american airforces pilots did 40% of all the killing.
The US army(And the rest of the western worlds military) recognised this problem after world war II, specially due to Marshalls(If i remember correctly) plentifull interviews with soldiers who had just gotten out of combat.
The modern conditioning was improved, and during the korean war, on average 55% of the riflemen shot. In the vietnam war, that number reached 95%.
But as the amount of shooters increased, lots of more posturing took place. During the vietnam war, they spent on average 50,000 rounds of ammunition per confirmed kill.
But all this solves only one thing - The non-shooters. It doen't help the soldiers to reason and accept what they've done, to cope with it, and avoid getting PTSD. But this is a normal reaction - A healthy reaction. You'll find that a good deal of veterans from modern war suffers from PTSD these days. In Vietnam, the total amount of american soldiers suffering from PTSD is somewhere around 500,000(Roughly 20%)-1,500,000(Well over 50%). You're not alone.
But i guess such psychological problems from combat might be a tabu within the unit - Just like pissing or shitting your pants. That too, is a perfectly normal response to a threatening situation. The body simply devotes all possible energy to survive, and that means loosing control over several body functions.
Have you tried to talk with any of the people you served with? I bet you'll find plenty of people who feels the consequences of what they've done over there.
Els, stick to it - Get proffesional help. Talk with other veterans, many of them will understand EXACTLY what you're going through.
Edit: If you want to get a bit more information on the subject, you should try to find some of Lt. Col. Dave Grossman books. Being a former US paratrooper and US ranger, he has witnessed plenty of combats. These days he's researching killology - A much neglected field of study in psychology - And most of those who try to research or come up with answers in this field, are like virgins studying sex. I've read two of his books, and i'm sure you'd get something out of 'em - They're called 'On killing - The psychiological cost of learning to kill in war and society' as well as 'On combat - The psychology and physiology of deadly conflict in war and peace'.
Fantastic post sir. /salute
I really think that talking to the folks he served with could help him. They have shared experiances and he trust in them , at least it could be a good place to start.
I shoot for the curve... anything above that is gravy.
I can hardly being to magine what you've been trough and what you've seen. Hence why I'd like you to excuse any stupid assumptions I might make. But if you're finding them annoying, feel free to rant and shout me back in my place.
Luckily I haven't been in a war but I do understand (as best as I can) the effects of prolonged stress and reacting to extreme situations with extreme, dehumanizing measures. I've known (and stll do) plenty of people with PTSD and similar things and also people who are stark raving mad. (homeless scene if you must know) Also I myself am not as mentally healthy as I should be.
It's normal your mind goes trough changes after the things you've experienced and seen. It's not bad. It's just unwelcome. The reason why it feels you're losing control and two personalities are violently merging, is because the change is happening very sudden. Should you change? Yes, because the person you used to be can't cope. SImple as that. Will you be a worse person if you get trough this in one piece? Most certainly you will, IMHO. People change all their lives, now it's just a lot in a short timespan.
You're not a pussy because your mind wants to deal with this. You haven't killed yourself, you haven't turned into a raving asshole, you haven't completely snapped and lost all sense of reality and you haven't drugged yourself (legally or otherwise) into oblivion. Congratulate yourself for that, because it's not an easy fight as you might realize.
Also, you're dealing with it NOW, not in ten years. That's extremely couragous. Many people I've known refuse to deal with it and get eaten from the inside.
Are you a bad person now? NO! This I want you to know. DOn't let anyone talk you into feeling inferior. You're a human being and react to things in a human way. You're not weak. You're fighting one of the biggest battles of your life with yourself and if people don't understand that (no matter how close they are to you) they should shut the fuck up. You're worth taking shit from. You're worth listening to. Now more than ever you shouldn't derive your value from what other people think.
There might come a time where you'll hate yourself and what you think you've become and then you might very well give up on yourself. Realize that you ARE worth fighting for. Seek help for yourself. Find a doctor you trust and find someone with whom you feel some chemistry. That's a matter of luck, but if you find a doctor like that it'll be worth all the effort of opening up your soul over and over again.
And when you start thinking it's a waste of time, know that you're being irrational and should stop listening to yourself. SInce you're asking help on these forums this probably won't be the case yet but it's still really something you should know and realize. No matter what, you're worth it.
Work on the problem. Think of it like a phase you're going trough. I know. When you're in deep shit in life you can cope because you have your body and mind you can fall back on. And even if your body fails you usually have your mind. Not now. But it's not the end of the world. Just seek real help and cling to the fact that you're worth it and that given time you'll get trough this and be an even better person.
I really would hate to see you get into drugs, legal or otherwise. I know it's kinda irrational of me but I've seen too many people die this way so my (highly personal) advice is not to explore that option.
You seem to have parents and other people who care about you. Rely on them. And when you feel you're a burden, ignore that. You might very well be one but it's your right and you're worth it. The person you'll be (and are, how much you might doubt that) after this is over, not matter how long it takes, is worth it and they'll be happy they've helped you. Tell your parents and friends this. And if they don't understand, they couldn't help you anyways. Also get professional help. I can't stress this enough. If you fractured your leg I'm sure you can create a splint yourself. But a professional doctor will do it in half them time, twice as good and with no permanent damage.
If you have to cry, cry. If you have to shout, shout. It's normal and you're winning if you keep feeling and if you keep fighting.
Good luck and I'm only a PM away.
Kudo's for Wolfjunkie for such an excellent post.
CLICK HERE TO GET A LIST OF FREE MMO LISTS!!!
I can hardly being to magine what you've been trough and what you've seen. Hence why I'd like you to excuse any stupid assumptions I might make. But if you're finding them annoying, feel free to rant and shout me back in my place.
Luckily I haven't been in a war but I do understand (as best as I can) the effects of prolonged stress and reacting to extreme situations with extreme, dehumanizing measures. I've known (and stll do) plenty of people with PTSD and similar things and also people who are stark raving mad. (homeless scene if you must know) Also I myself am not as mentally healthy as I should be.
It's normal your mind goes trough changes after the things you've experienced and seen. It's not bad. It's just unwelcome. The reason why it feels you're losing control and two personalities are violently merging, is because the change is happening very sudden. Should you change? Yes, because the person you used to be can't cope. SImple as that. Will you be a worse person if you get trough this in one piece? Most certainly you will, IMHO. People change all their lives, now it's just a lot in a short timespan.
You're not a pussy because your mind wants to deal with this. You haven't killed yourself, you haven't turned into a raving asshole, you haven't completely snapped and lost all sense of reality and you haven't drugged yourself (legally or otherwise) into oblivion. Congratulate yourself for that, because it's not an easy fight as you might realize.
Also, you're dealing with it NOW, not in ten years. That's extremely couragous. Many people I've known refuse to deal with it and get eaten from the inside.
Are you a bad person now? NO! This I want you to know. DOn't let anyone talk you into feeling inferior. You're a human being and react to things in a human way. You're not weak. You're fighting one of the biggest battles of your life with yourself and if people don't understand that (no matter how close they are to you) they should shut the fuck up. You're worth taking shit from. You're worth listening to. Now more than ever you shouldn't derive your value from what other people think.
There might come a time where you'll hate yourself and what you think you've become and then you might very well give up on yourself. Realize that you ARE worth fighting for. Seek help for yourself. Find a doctor you trust and find someone with whom you feel some chemistry. That's a matter of luck, but if you find a doctor like that it'll be worth all the effort of opening up your soul over and over again.
And when you start thinking it's a waste of time, know that you're being irrational and should stop listening to yourself. SInce you're asking help on these forums this probably won't be the case yet but it's still really something you should know and realize. No matter what, you're worth it.
Work on the problem. Think of it like a phase you're going trough. I know. When you're in deep shit in life you can cope because you have your body and mind you can fall back on. And even if your body fails you usually have your mind. Not now. But it's not the end of the world. Just seek real help and cling to the fact that you're worth it and that given time you'll get trough this and be an even better person.
I really would hate to see you get into drugs, legal or otherwise. I know it's kinda irrational of me but I've seen too many people die this way so my (highly personal) advice is not to explore that option.
You seem to have parents and other people who care about you. Rely on them. And when you feel you're a burden, ignore that. You might very well be one but it's your right and you're worth it. The person you'll be (and are, how much you might doubt that) after this is over, not matter how long it takes, is worth it and they'll be happy they've helped you. Tell your parents and friends this. And if they don't understand, they couldn't help you anyways. Also get professional help. I can't stress this enough. If you fractured your leg I'm sure you can create a splint yourself. But a professional doctor will do it in half them time, twice as good and with no permanent damage.
If you have to cry, cry. If you have to shout, shout. It's normal and you're winning if you keep feeling and if you keep fighting.
Good luck and I'm only a PM away.
Kudo's for Wolfjunkie for such an excellent post.
Thanks, man. What you said makes sense. But then a lot of things that make sense these days for me are getting twisted around in some f'd up compartment in my brain. It makes me so mad because it's like having an involuntary filter that insists on taking out all the sanity of an argument before I'm able to act on things logically.About the drugs, that's so not an issue for me. I've seen what drugs can do to people and with the state of mind I'm in it would not be a good thing. I am taking Zoloft right now, but I was even weary about that. I only took it upon the insistence of my doctor to help me sort things out for a while.
I'm just really angry about all of this. I look around at the world and people in such a different way and I hate it. I used to be a happy motivated person. I used to feel good about human nature. But now I've become so skeptical and cynical to the point that sometimes I want to scream to everyone to just stop acting like idiots to each other. People act like it's just a passing thing to hurt one another or that it is a tough person who can put someone else down and not feel bad about it after words. But all that stuff accumulates in peoples minds and it eventually leads to horror that can mess people up for the rest of their life or lead to their death.
It reminds me of a lot of people being in a room talking to each other. At the starting point everyone is having their own conversations and the sound level is minimal to where everyone can hear and understand who their talking to. But eventually everyone gets a little louder and then everyone tries to talk over the other conversations so they can be heard and it dominoes until it's so loud nobody can hear or understand someone even standing right there beside them. I think that's what happens when people are cruel to one another. It just keeps getting progressively worse because you've got to one up the other person so you can seem tougher than them. Just look at how someone who is nice is treated or looked at in our world today. They are viewed as weak.
It just seems like that's what got us into all this mess. There's no more compassion for a human life anymore. We've made our selves expendable to our own selves. We don't even value our own kind anymore. Maybe we're so ashamed of ourselves that we are on a collective mission to destroy one another.
Sorry for that rant, but it's just one of the things that I have to figure out how to change. I want that innocent feeling back that I used to have because I'm really not sure that I can be happy again without it. And I'm not completely sure that it's attainable again. And even though it was a blind naive happiness, it still was happiness.
===============================
I can hardly being to magine what you've been trough and what you've seen. Hence why I'd like you to excuse any stupid assumptions I might make. But if you're finding them annoying, feel free to rant and shout me back in my place.
Luckily I haven't been in a war but I do understand (as best as I can) the effects of prolonged stress and reacting to extreme situations with extreme, dehumanizing measures. I've known (and stll do) plenty of people with PTSD and similar things and also people who are stark raving mad. (homeless scene if you must know) Also I myself am not as mentally healthy as I should be.
It's normal your mind goes trough changes after the things you've experienced and seen. It's not bad. It's just unwelcome. The reason why it feels you're losing control and two personalities are violently merging, is because the change is happening very sudden. Should you change? Yes, because the person you used to be can't cope. SImple as that. Will you be a worse person if you get trough this in one piece? Most certainly you will, IMHO. People change all their lives, now it's just a lot in a short timespan.
You're not a pussy because your mind wants to deal with this. You haven't killed yourself, you haven't turned into a raving asshole, you haven't completely snapped and lost all sense of reality and you haven't drugged yourself (legally or otherwise) into oblivion. Congratulate yourself for that, because it's not an easy fight as you might realize.
Also, you're dealing with it NOW, not in ten years. That's extremely couragous. Many people I've known refuse to deal with it and get eaten from the inside.
Are you a bad person now? NO! This I want you to know. DOn't let anyone talk you into feeling inferior. You're a human being and react to things in a human way. You're not weak. You're fighting one of the biggest battles of your life with yourself and if people don't understand that (no matter how close they are to you) they should shut the fuck up. You're worth taking shit from. You're worth listening to. Now more than ever you shouldn't derive your value from what other people think.
There might come a time where you'll hate yourself and what you think you've become and then you might very well give up on yourself. Realize that you ARE worth fighting for. Seek help for yourself. Find a doctor you trust and find someone with whom you feel some chemistry. That's a matter of luck, but if you find a doctor like that it'll be worth all the effort of opening up your soul over and over again.
And when you start thinking it's a waste of time, know that you're being irrational and should stop listening to yourself. SInce you're asking help on these forums this probably won't be the case yet but it's still really something you should know and realize. No matter what, you're worth it.
Work on the problem. Think of it like a phase you're going trough. I know. When you're in deep shit in life you can cope because you have your body and mind you can fall back on. And even if your body fails you usually have your mind. Not now. But it's not the end of the world. Just seek real help and cling to the fact that you're worth it and that given time you'll get trough this and be an even better person.
I really would hate to see you get into drugs, legal or otherwise. I know it's kinda irrational of me but I've seen too many people die this way so my (highly personal) advice is not to explore that option.
You seem to have parents and other people who care about you. Rely on them. And when you feel you're a burden, ignore that. You might very well be one but it's your right and you're worth it. The person you'll be (and are, how much you might doubt that) after this is over, not matter how long it takes, is worth it and they'll be happy they've helped you. Tell your parents and friends this. And if they don't understand, they couldn't help you anyways. Also get professional help. I can't stress this enough. If you fractured your leg I'm sure you can create a splint yourself. But a professional doctor will do it in half them time, twice as good and with no permanent damage.
If you have to cry, cry. If you have to shout, shout. It's normal and you're winning if you keep feeling and if you keep fighting.
Good luck and I'm only a PM away.
Kudo's for Wolfjunkie for such an excellent post.
Thanks, man. What you said makes sense. But then a lot of things that make sense these days for me are getting twisted around in some f'd up compartment in my brain. It makes me so mad because it's like having an involuntary filter that insists on taking out all the sanity of an argument before I'm able to act on things logically.About the drugs, that's so not an issue for me. I've seen what drugs can do to people and with the state of mind I'm in it would not be a good thing. I am taking Zoloft right now, but I was even weary about that. I only took it upon the insistence of my doctor to help me sort things out for a while.
I'm just really angry about all of this. I look around at the world and people in such a different way and I hate it. I used to be a happy motivated person. I used to feel good about human nature. But now I've become so skeptical and cynical to the point that sometimes I want to scream to everyone to just stop acting like idiots to each other. People act like it's just a passing thing to hurt one another or that it is a tough person who can put someone else down and not feel bad about it after words. But all that stuff accumulates in peoples minds and it eventually leads to horror that can mess people up for the rest of their life or lead to their death.
It reminds me of a lot of people being in a room talking to each other. At the starting point everyone is having their own conversations and the sound level is minimal to where everyone can hear and understand who their talking to. But eventually everyone gets a little louder and then everyone tries to talk over the other conversations so they can be heard and it dominoes until it's so loud nobody can hear or understand someone even standing right there beside them. I think that's what happens when people are cruel to one another. It just keeps getting progressively worse because you've got to one up the other person so you can seem tougher than them. Just look at how someone who is nice is treated or looked at in our world today. They are viewed as weak.
It just seems like that's what got us into all this mess. There's no more compassion for a human life anymore. We've made our selves expendable to our own selves. We don't even value our own kind anymore. Maybe we're so ashamed of ourselves that we are on a collective mission to destroy one another.
Sorry for that rant, but it's just one of the things that I have to figure out how to change. I want that innocent feeling back that I used to have because I'm really not sure that I can be happy again without it. And I'm not completely sure that it's attainable again. And even though it was a blind naive happiness, it still was happiness.
Damn, dude. You're bloody right.
This new way of seeing things is like you've been to a restaurant for years and you've grown comfortable with it. Then one day you see the kitchen where they spit in the soup and recycle the buns.
It's like there was a veil over the world which made it bearable and now that it's gone you don't like what you see. Well, be glad you're not completely insensitive as a reaction. Not feeling anything anymore really is pretty horrible.
I really can't say anything to make you feel at ease with the world again. Take some distance if you must. It helps to see people as they are, animals. With a perverse enough mind you could even see suffering as just another biological thing, imperative to our species and its success. As some kind of natural selection. Which of course it is. And trust me when I say that we've improved as a species, no matter how efficient we've gotten in the art of destruction. Individuals have done amazing things and they've had an effect. Being good to your surroundings DOES have an effect. It's easy to pass hurt to others. It's harder to improve someone elses life. But hard isn't impossible.
But I doubt you care about that. You just want to feel that sense of security again. That feeling that this world is where you belong and that you KNOW it. Of course it will return, if you work on it. But honestly, it's not because now you feel crap about how the world is, that you will feel the same later on, when you've grown familiar with it.
It's not all bad. Look at children and how mams can care for them. Or think about how your parents love you. That's all pretty strong too. It's not because this world is one of contstant battle (in every possible way) that it's not capable of beauty.
Think of it this way: How can you appreciate the good things in life if you don't know the alternative? That innocence is lost. But being genuinly happy isn't. I know it's a bit stupid to say it but there are many people in this world who are able to be happy despite having much less than either of us. They prove it's possible.
I know all of this is a lot of rational bullcrap that won't affect your emotions. But like you said, your mind twists things and you have little securities left. Maybe you rarely trust your own thoughts. Well there are a few things you can rely on. Like good and evil not being absolutes, you being worth effort and the world being able to create beauty. Write them down if you must but just don't forget it. Sounds melodramatic but maybe one day you'll be so down you'll actually need a reminder.
CLICK HERE TO GET A LIST OF FREE MMO LISTS!!!
I can hardly being to magine what you've been trough and what you've seen. Hence why I'd like you to excuse any stupid assumptions I might make. But if you're finding them annoying, feel free to rant and shout me back in my place.
Luckily I haven't been in a war but I do understand (as best as I can) the effects of prolonged stress and reacting to extreme situations with extreme, dehumanizing measures. I've known (and stll do) plenty of people with PTSD and similar things and also people who are stark raving mad. (homeless scene if you must know) Also I myself am not as mentally healthy as I should be.
It's normal your mind goes trough changes after the things you've experienced and seen. It's not bad. It's just unwelcome. The reason why it feels you're losing control and two personalities are violently merging, is because the change is happening very sudden. Should you change? Yes, because the person you used to be can't cope. SImple as that. Will you be a worse person if you get trough this in one piece? Most certainly you will, IMHO. People change all their lives, now it's just a lot in a short timespan.
You're not a pussy because your mind wants to deal with this. You haven't killed yourself, you haven't turned into a raving asshole, you haven't completely snapped and lost all sense of reality and you haven't drugged yourself (legally or otherwise) into oblivion. Congratulate yourself for that, because it's not an easy fight as you might realize.
Also, you're dealing with it NOW, not in ten years. That's extremely couragous. Many people I've known refuse to deal with it and get eaten from the inside.
Are you a bad person now? NO! This I want you to know. DOn't let anyone talk you into feeling inferior. You're a human being and react to things in a human way. You're not weak. You're fighting one of the biggest battles of your life with yourself and if people don't understand that (no matter how close they are to you) they should shut the fuck up. You're worth taking shit from. You're worth listening to. Now more than ever you shouldn't derive your value from what other people think.
There might come a time where you'll hate yourself and what you think you've become and then you might very well give up on yourself. Realize that you ARE worth fighting for. Seek help for yourself. Find a doctor you trust and find someone with whom you feel some chemistry. That's a matter of luck, but if you find a doctor like that it'll be worth all the effort of opening up your soul over and over again.
And when you start thinking it's a waste of time, know that you're being irrational and should stop listening to yourself. SInce you're asking help on these forums this probably won't be the case yet but it's still really something you should know and realize. No matter what, you're worth it.
Work on the problem. Think of it like a phase you're going trough. I know. When you're in deep shit in life you can cope because you have your body and mind you can fall back on. And even if your body fails you usually have your mind. Not now. But it's not the end of the world. Just seek real help and cling to the fact that you're worth it and that given time you'll get trough this and be an even better person.
I really would hate to see you get into drugs, legal or otherwise. I know it's kinda irrational of me but I've seen too many people die this way so my (highly personal) advice is not to explore that option.
You seem to have parents and other people who care about you. Rely on them. And when you feel you're a burden, ignore that. You might very well be one but it's your right and you're worth it. The person you'll be (and are, how much you might doubt that) after this is over, not matter how long it takes, is worth it and they'll be happy they've helped you. Tell your parents and friends this. And if they don't understand, they couldn't help you anyways. Also get professional help. I can't stress this enough. If you fractured your leg I'm sure you can create a splint yourself. But a professional doctor will do it in half them time, twice as good and with no permanent damage.
If you have to cry, cry. If you have to shout, shout. It's normal and you're winning if you keep feeling and if you keep fighting.
Good luck and I'm only a PM away.
Kudo's for Wolfjunkie for such an excellent post.
Thanks, man. What you said makes sense. But then a lot of things that make sense these days for me are getting twisted around in some f'd up compartment in my brain. It makes me so mad because it's like having an involuntary filter that insists on taking out all the sanity of an argument before I'm able to act on things logically.About the drugs, that's so not an issue for me. I've seen what drugs can do to people and with the state of mind I'm in it would not be a good thing. I am taking Zoloft right now, but I was even weary about that. I only took it upon the insistence of my doctor to help me sort things out for a while.
I'm just really angry about all of this. I look around at the world and people in such a different way and I hate it. I used to be a happy motivated person. I used to feel good about human nature. But now I've become so skeptical and cynical to the point that sometimes I want to scream to everyone to just stop acting like idiots to each other. People act like it's just a passing thing to hurt one another or that it is a tough person who can put someone else down and not feel bad about it after words. But all that stuff accumulates in peoples minds and it eventually leads to horror that can mess people up for the rest of their life or lead to their death.
It reminds me of a lot of people being in a room talking to each other. At the starting point everyone is having their own conversations and the sound level is minimal to where everyone can hear and understand who their talking to. But eventually everyone gets a little louder and then everyone tries to talk over the other conversations so they can be heard and it dominoes until it's so loud nobody can hear or understand someone even standing right there beside them. I think that's what happens when people are cruel to one another. It just keeps getting progressively worse because you've got to one up the other person so you can seem tougher than them. Just look at how someone who is nice is treated or looked at in our world today. They are viewed as weak.
It just seems like that's what got us into all this mess. There's no more compassion for a human life anymore. We've made our selves expendable to our own selves. We don't even value our own kind anymore. Maybe we're so ashamed of ourselves that we are on a collective mission to destroy one another.
Sorry for that rant, but it's just one of the things that I have to figure out how to change. I want that innocent feeling back that I used to have because I'm really not sure that I can be happy again without it. And I'm not completely sure that it's attainable again. And even though it was a blind naive happiness, it still was happiness.
My opinion exactly. When I was younger and much in need of brains, I can remember treating other people like dirt for no special reason. They may have done a couple of wrong things to me or offended me only slightly, but I think that peer pressure also counted into my prejudice against them; it was popular to socially reject these people, and so I had a further reason to treat them poorly in able to be socially accepted by 'friends.' That all changed in the latter part of junior high and through highschool when the tables turned.
Since I've learned to care less about what people think about me, I've also learned to relax somewhat. I can remember some years back when I finally asked myself why I viewed homosexuals with a jaundice eye. I asked myself whether I cared or not about what they did, and it turns out that the answer was that I had no strong feelings about it. I still believed their lifestyles to be wrong, but after that I dropped my ill feelings toward them. After all, I only had such ill feelings toward them to begin with because it was popular among people I knew to be spiteful of them.
I can also remember being taken advantage of because of my politeness, and I'm sure others have experienced this on more than one occasion. Where I live in order for you to get friends, you have to either smoke socially, drink yourself into a coma, swear, have sex, or make immature jokes about others. Needless to say, I've learned to do without friends. I'm totally cool with just living my own life. I get the impression that I'm viewed as a recluse, but as you well know gnomex, innocence is only accepted as an abhorrent thing until you've lost it. But in my opinion, no one is truly innocent. We all are born with mischievous natures, but only when that nature is fully manifest do we see its effects and realize how horrific it really is.
Hope that cheered you up.
"Put your foot where your mouth is." - Wisdom from my grandfather
"Paper or plastic? ... because I'm afraid I'll have to suffocate you unless you put this bag on your head..." - Ethnitrek
AC1: Wierding from Harvestgain