Being single or being in a relationship, neither make you happier than anyone else by themselves. They're trade off's. Both have positives and negatives- but on the most basic level; being single is being lonely and to be with someone is restricting... each to varying degrees.
I decided to get married about 3 years ago when I met a young Filipina from Zamboanga. For anyone who know's where that is.. your are either a geographical genius or have been there. Many people asked me why I want to deal with immigration and the social differences between a born and breed redneck and a very passionate Filipina. Iit boils down to one thing. Complimentary nature. Sometimes when your very fortunate you meet someone who compliments your nature so much you want to replicate that process for a long period of time. Mind you marriage is just one means of this replication. I understand friendships and casual relationships can do so but the proximity that marriage necessitates was preferential to me.
It saddens me when people get married who don't compliment each other because in the long run they run into all the issues the statistics the OP stated. Id assume almost 9/10ths of those who get married do so out of compulsive reasons. Be that culturally or circumstantial seems a moot point to me.
Complimentary marriages, which often last decades basically impliment a process which combines two memes into one. When that happens, the combined capacity of those two people is... Amazing. Thus the old saying behind every great man is a great woman.
Now to counter though there are people who just dont compliment anyone or never find that right person. I just dont think they should get married. Anywho thats my quick thoughts on marriage. Pardon my grammar. Im writting a report and writting this at the same time from work hehe.
Marriage is just really nothing more than a socialogical phenomenon created to mask our innate, sexual impulses. It has nothing to do with love, but is more created by societies to set "defined" parameters of how human behaviour should be controlled and monitored within their respective areas/countries/etc...
Nothing wrong w/ marraige, but just realize that marraige is a sociatal "indoctrination" to fit in to your respective clan/tribe/city/country/etc... Hence it is a programmed socialogical phenomenon created by an agreed upon cultural edict, and hence becomes "tradition" to the point that it is considered as part of "right or passage" by nearly all cultures/people/nations/etc...
I suppose what I said about marriage could apply to anything in society, because right from birth, human life is a subjective indoctrination (and one wherein an idividual has little choice in that matter). Since societal conditioning starts from birth and is a process designed to prepare you for "membership" phase of your life (normally around your 20's)... the question here is marraige that necessary or important once and individual perceives his/her world beyond the "membership" phase of his indoctrination...
To me marraige is just a societal process... i won't get married becuase I need to grow up, or believe behind the childish eyes of "Love"... I'd get married if there was a tax break involved... for me marraige is just an extension of a utalitarian function of mating and sex.. albiet it's dressed up as "civilized" and "domesticated" by culture so that "sex" is demonized and turned into the "holy" santity of marraige.
As with anything, marriage is a system of good and bad things. People claiming that marriage/love/etc. IS one way or the other are just full of it. Sure, there are people who follow society and its trends around blindly, but for those of us who actually think about ourselves and the world around us, the reason(s) to get married and/or have kid(s) ends up being different for everyone.
For me, I didn't mind being alone and focused only on myself. But I wanted to develop myself beyond "me." There's something to be said about bringing another person into your life and holding them there tightly in your arms. Sure, there are fights between myself and my husband, and being newly married we're still pushing each other on things to find a middle ground between "me" and "him," but there is now a "him" in my life. There's someone who is now a part of my family, who balances out parts of me that aren't quite as strong, and who lets me balance his weaker parts out as well. It's like riding a seesaw... yes, you can ride it alone and still have fun, but riding with another is fun for different reasons.
As for a kid, I think it'd be fun to have a little me/him. And if the little me is anything like what I was, I'll be VERY busy Sure they're a lot of time and money, but really... so what? It'll be a new journey and adventure.
The odd thing is I had the opportunity to go to a place where marriage is actually entirely unknown to the locals. Yet they had the exact same meme. Just under a different set of customs. It seems to me Marriage or at least pair bonding is inherent to some species. Albeit with exceptions which seem to help the whole.
The funniest thing I see happening with youths these days are competitive marriages. Talk about assinine.
I've been married twice. Each time I have felt that she was "the one." My personality is very loyalty oriented. Years of military school and the military probably probably beat that into me. Combined with my Catholic background, I was screwed once I found "the one." I was compelled through unconscious teachings residing in my mind that I must get married.
I could go on about happiness, what marriage and divorce and re-marriage have meant to me, but won't. I will try to keep things simple.
Kids came about for me because my second wife desperately wanted them. It's that simple. I had no clue what I was getting into. Kids are one thing I feel none of us are prepared for in life. We think we are, but once we have them, they completely change our world. You either adapt or your life will unravel.
I will tell you why single people say they are "happier." It's very simple: Their lives revolve solely around themselves. It is a lot easier to make yourself happy when you don't have to make a spouse and kids happy too. Being married with children is a lot of work. Very little of that work you would actually do if you were single. So, like I said before, you either adapt and make family life fun, or it will tear your happiness apart. You will think that it is the marriage that is failing, but the reality is that it is your own personality that failed.
Finally, I will tell you the last marriage and kid secret answer to the question many wonder. You may be thinking, "Dae says all this stuff, but how do I know I have a personality that can handle marriage and kids?" Well, the answer is we don't know. I know may people think they know, but the reality is that they don't. Not for sure. Here lies the reason for so many failed marriages, particularly once children enter the mix. Children can literally kill your inner-self if you let them. Once you see this happen, you feel like there is nothing you can do to save your "self". Once again, you either adapt or your marriage and parenting experience fails. I can say that you can be happy, married, do things you love, have good sex, and have crazy children.
First of all... don't let ANYONE pressure you by saying "You need to marry..." Anytime someone starts a sentence at me with "You need to..." I shut them out right there.
You know what you want in life...
Now on a side note... One day you'll see her...then BAM, Love at first sight... You won't be able to stop it. So... Enjoy life while you're single, and enjoy it when/if you find your true love. Both are just fine.
Ok, first off, I am not married and do not have children and do not have any plans to do either at this point in my life. This thread is to discuss the reasons behind marriage and having kids. Why? Well why not? I'm trying to find the truth, without letting regret, bad decisions, or people trying to convince them selves they "made the right choice" get in the way. I am currently 20 years old. I was born in Tampa florida, Bodybuilding is my hobby, I am not to my knowledge unnattractive, so my view on this might be someone different then someone elses., And for the record I am perfectly content to have everchanging girlfriend status. I moved to a rural town in S.C.( at age 15)( am moving to the city with in a month ) .The first thing I noticed was how early people get married here, I mean litteraly its unusual to see anyone above 20 who is single. Then I began researching marriage online for a school report( and partially because I thought I was "odd" Not caring about getting married or having kids. What I found greatly suprised me. Statisticly and of all ages, Singles apparently are happier in almost all aspects. It seems singles/no children are Happier with there freedom, achive greater success in there chosen career, More often to do spontaneous/adventurous activities,and to my surprise stayed in better physical shape ( Wanting to stay attractive for the opposite sex ) and have a better sex life. While over half of the newlyweds under the age of 30 get divorced, And if they happen to have a child the percentage of divorce rises a considerable amount. And seem to be much less happy with the things I mentioned above. With all these statistics, I wanted to find out WHY people got married and had kids. What I dug up was comments like "Being in love is a beautiful thing, Having my child was the best thing that ever happened to me, We all have to grow up sometime.) While there words seem to be sincere that they are very happy, and confident in the decision they've made everything else points the the opposite. So why do they get married/settle down? Personally I think most of them begin to feel stale in a sense and think marriage is"the next step" in there lives. Or they feel like marriage will make them complete as a person. Is it the way we were brought up? In my honest opinion, for whatever its worth, Times have changed....for the better or worse they have changed, Society no longer frowns upon the singlet. In fact most movies are about single people falling in love, No one seems to care about a movie where a married couple of 30 years lives there lives. One reply on the reasons FOR getting married said, Would you rather be alone for your entire life? And wake up one day and realizing your going to die with no one beside you. Well i'm not alone at all for one. And for the other unless you and your spouse plan on dying at the exact same minute, dying alone will probably happen anyway. Other people have asked the question "why do people get married" on various websites, and a lot of the replys I've seen, although answer the question with there opinion, also seemed to be attacking the asker. And children, One kinda idiotic reason for not having kids is the world is overpopulated, althought I think that might be a good reason NOT to, it doesent answer my question. Kids in this day and age on average after they graduate college the total cost of having that child is around $100k( If they go to certain colleges, more then that . Not to mention your freedom ( I know some will say " I have a child and I still have freetime") well like or not, with or without regret, you have lost some of your freetime. Career in mind, If you get an greatly improved job offer in a different country, first thought is "Are we going to put our kids through this?" Not to sound onesided or anything, But the single person can pack up and move at any time for any reason ( even for simply just feeling like it.). I also get the feeling a lot of births are accidental, and the parent(s) seem to try to convince them selves that "ii'm actually better off now, or "I'm very happy with my child", " I still have the same amount of free time as before and i'm still do all the things I used to". I'm curious to find out how many births a year are accidental. Now some may ask what is the alternative to settling down? Well the obvious other choice is...dont. Being a bodybuilder I certainly feel confident in the way I look, I love going to parties/nightlife ( wich is where I meet a lot of likeminded people ). Being the year 2008 I see nothing wrong with this lifestyle. I saw where someone said ( everyone has to grow up sometime ) If you need a spouse/child to help let grow up, then you need to grow up . And of course there are exeptions to everything I mentioned, As there are exeptions to just about EVERYTHING in life. Mabey some people feel forced to get married as means to get out of a bad homelife with there parents. Or people get married for financial reasons. Mabey they were raised with certain religous or family beliefs. Or mabey they got pregnant and had to get married, Or yes, mabey they wanted to get marred from the bottom of their heart. I absolutley love my life style and I love the type of person I am and who I am. I wake up everyday and love every minute of it. Mabey i've reached a point in my life where I can say something most people can never say, I'm happy to be me. this thread was not intended to make me sound self conceited, I simply let you know how I felt about myself. and my views. Open for replys! the one thing I ask is, as i've seen with other post, someone quotes a certain sentance in a thread and then attacks it, this thread is meant to be read as a whole, each paragraph is in relation to the others, each sentance adds to what i'm trying to express as a whole thread.
LONG LIVE MMORPG.COM!!!!!!
Hmm ok ill bite.
I see you like to party and date a lot thats cool i did too.It also sounds as if you never want it to end.
Next time you go to a club or bar or whatever find the guy who is mid 40's or so and is talking to all the pretty young girls.Look at the reaction of the girls towards they guy old enough to be their father.
You do NOT want to be that guy.
All i can say is that if you WANT to be single the rest of your life have at it.
BUT you better be making a lot of money and SAVING it because NOBODY is going to watch out for you if your 80 years old and single.
It isnt about growing up its about being responsible for yourself and not having regrets.It is also about having a GOOD life full of meaning.
When you get older and look back at this time in your life will you regret it?I regret most of my 20's the only thing good about it was meeting my wife(married 15 years).All my socalled friends at the time are all but gone to me as i dont talk to them anymore whatsoever.
Currently loving life and loving watching my daughter grow up and spending as much time with her as i possibly can.
Sounds to me like your looking for a reason to stay single.Only you can really answer that 1.
I'm 42, and I've never been married. The longest I've been in a relationship is 2 years.
At your age I was convinced that I wanted to remain single for a very long time (if not forever) . I subscribed to the adage "variety is the spice of life".
Meet a girl be on your best behavior, convince her you were the best thing since sliced bread... shag her and then conjure up some crazy story on why you can't see her anymore. I think you are looking for some kind of validation for your life style. But as a middle aged man looking back, let me warn you about one thing. Regret. It has a way of stalking you like nothing else. Regret builds up over time and eventually it feels like you are dragging a wet mattress behind you, the rope attached to your neck. On that mattress is every callous remark and broken heart that you have left behind. You'll forget names of girls who wanted to spend the rest of your life with you. Oh sure you'll have fun. You'll have great stories to tell at bachelor parties, and every man in a crappy marriage will envy you, but one day you'll wake up and all you'll have to choose from is the 30 gigs of porn on your hard drive and a bottle of lubriderm or the woman who was married to that unhappy man you met at the bachelor party (and her 4 kids from 2 separate marriages).
So from my perspective, I can't recommend the single lifestyle for the long term. My advice: If you must sow your wild oats try to do so without being a prick to women. Go clubbing to get laid, the girls there expect one night stands. But don't stop looking for the real thing, and give it plenty of time. Don't worry about children. If you are ever lucky enough to find the girl of your dreams that question will answer itself.
When I was 20 I left the only girl I ever loved because the temptations of the single life consumed me. I've regretted that decision every day of my life for the last 22 years.
To the OP... I'm 42, and I've never been married. The longest I've been in a relationship is 2 years. At your age I was convinced that I wanted to remain single for a very long time (if not forever) . I subscribed to the adage "variety is the spice of life". Meet a girl be on your best behavior, convince her you were the best thing since sliced bread... shag her and then conjure up some crazy story on why you can't see her anymore. I think you are looking for some kind of validation for your life style. But as a middle aged man looking back, let me warn you about one thing. Regret. It has a way of stalking you like nothing else. Regret builds up over time and eventually it feels like you are dragging a wet mattress behind you, the rope attached to your neck. On that mattress is every callous remark and broken heart that you have left behind. You'll forget names of girls who wanted to spend the rest of your life with you. Oh sure you'll have fun. You'll have great stories to tell at bachelor parties, and every man in a crappy marriage will envy you, but one day you'll wake up and all you'll have to choose from is the 30 gigs of porn on your hard drive and a bottle of lubriderm or the woman who was married to that unhappy man you met at the bachelor party (and her 4 kids from 2 separate marriages). So from my perspective, I can't recommend the single lifestyle for the long term. My advice: If you must sow your wild oats try to do so without being a prick to women. Go clubbing to get laid, the girls there expect one night stands. But don't stop looking for the real thing, and give it plenty of time. Don't worry about children. If you are ever lucky enough to find the girl of your dreams that question will answer itself. When I was 20 I left the only girl I ever loved because the temptations of the single life consumed me. I've regretted that decision every day of my life for the last 22 years.
I think you missunderstand me I'm not living this life style to "sleep around" as it were, or have "variety" , as if my whole goal in life is to have random sex,I was simply pointing out studys have shown singles have better sex, Thats not my life tho, My lifestyle is about unprecedented freedom ( with anything ) if I want to move to Japan tommorow, I can. You said you thought It sounded like I needed some sort of validation to my life style. That defeats the whole purpose of my post, I think people should breakaway from needing validation from others for what you truely want. Even the extremely small and pointless things, like what kind of music to listen to because its "normal" ( yeah its off topic but you get the point )
From what i've seen most of the people who have replied to my thread ( and to my surprise in PM's ) who have agreed with me were single, and those that have other opinions, are / have been or intend to get married in the near future.
I totally appreciate the honesty in your post, From what I'm seeing newlyweds seem to be flooded with young girls getting married because their friends are doing it and they don't want to be left behind ( Is'nt this the future generation of single Moms?). Also Of course the circumstances might be unknown to us. Since I made this post last year, A friend of mine has gotten married and divorced. Now, contrary to popular belief, this may sound corny as hell, But I do believe in "true love" as it were....yeah that did sound corny. But I also think its so extremely rare 99% of people never find it. Is it worth pursuing? Thats up to the individual. Do I wanna be "that" 89 year old guy with a cane hunching over while hitting on 24yo girls at clubs? Yeah I'm in a band now, but do I wanna be the 89 year old bald rocker still pumping devil horns taking excedrin during breaks? Of course not, at that point id rather be dead ( no i'm not joking haha ). But in my eyes its just as sad to see old men going out to "hang out with the guys" just to get away from their wives. Both sides of this story essentially end the same to me, its up to us to choose the path. I'm not saying anyones wrong, I was just expressing the way I viewed it. You see long-term singles as people who end up being sad lonely people riddled with regret. I see married people as I've stated. I guess I'm living in the "now" Not living my life so I'll be happy when I'm 85.
I'm sorry if I came off as a "prick" to you, I was never trying to. It just it seems "Taboo" to talk about what we REALLY think, not what other people want to hear. So I'm saying what I really think hehe. Its the whole cookie cutter lifestyle choices ( including marriage ) , doing it just because its normal. Thats part of the point I was trying to get across. To the comment way up the page, Asking me if I would regret not getting married when I was older, finding out my choices only left me wallowing in regret, I can pop that question back, if your marriage goes bad, and you then feel like you wasted your youth, will you regret it? What I've learned from this thread, is there seems to be no definitive answer to the question, to get married or to not. Also, I loved the comment by you Faxxer, "You know what you want in life....." This can be said on behalf of someone getting married, or not.
heh.. sounds like me when I was 20. In a band, juggling multiple girlfriends, never wanting to be married. Funny how much 18 years later will change a persons attitude. I didnt start feeling old until I was 33, came right after I ruptured a disk in my neck. I guess I felt invounerable for most of my life, that injury was a slap in my face. Not to mention, seeing many of my friends only a few years older than me getting ill with cancer or suffering different flavors of lifes hardships. Im 38 now, and Im nothing like I was when I was 20. I know I had too much of punishing myself, so I turned my life around and started thinking more of other people in my life than myself. I think life would be a wasted journey to travel alone.
Unlike most people I see in this thread, I dont regret anything I did in my life. The countless drugs Ive taken, the 3 times I overdosed, or waking up passed out in strange apartments after partying. As I got older and have seen 4 of my close friends pass away, one from cancer, 2 suicides and one car wreck, I asked myself the question "if I died today, what would I regret". My answer was always having children.
With that said, I got pretty lucky 2 years ago. I met someone.. after I thought I was that creepy older guy trying to pick up younger girls at night clubs or whatever she came out of nowhere. She's much younger than me, but we're both gaming freaks and share a lot together. We plan on starting a family this year. Her parents are young enough to enjoy grand kids for a good portion of their lives. My parents, they live quite a ways from me but will also be extremely happy to see our lineage grow.
enjoy whatever life is throwing at you, just letting you know that you'll change. In some way, you'll change. 20 years old, thats too damn young to think about marriage or kids anyway. You need to be going out, experiencing ..."things" and having fun
I do have something to say though, your post is laced with the fear of failure. You're right, divorce rates are high. I think the chances of you dying are a bit higher though. If you're avoiding relationships because you're afraid of failing at them, I guess thats one way not to become a statistic.
"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a robot foot stomping on a human face -- forever."
I'm sorry if I came off as a "prick" to you, I was never trying to.
I didn't feel you were being a prick. I'm guilty of reading between the lines (and perhaps in error).
I completely understand the freedom that you speak of. There are probably an equal proportion of unhappy married people as there are married ones. Its ok to value your freedom. I guess in so many words I'm trying to say that just because you might decide to adopt the single life, don't put your blinders on to any potential finds along the way. When you meet her, you'll know. The difference will be that you won't mind the thought of her taking away any freedom.
I hope I will never marry... I've been engaged once (after 7 years with the girl) and it ended in disaster. That was 5 years ago.
Here is my reasoning: People change.... a lot.. over time. Just because you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl today does not mean that she will still be someone you want to do that with 5 or 10 years from now... plain and simple.
It used to be that married couples stayed together because it was a major no-no to divorce/break up a marriage.. now the only real restriction is the way it will effect your children (assuming you have them). The result.. look at the divorce rate! Every one of my best friends was married and divorced by 25.
I'm all about long relationships... I sincerely hope I meet a girl tomorrow and spend the rest of my life with her... but I'm not gonna assume that its "forever" and take a leap of faith like that.
Add to all this the way the deck is stacked against the guy in divorce court.. (sorry ladies.. its truth)... and screw that!
The only reason I see to get married is religious beliefs.. and I'm an atheist so that doesnt effect me!
Grymm MMO addict in recovery! EQ,SWG preCU,L2,EQ2,GW,CoH/CoV,V:SOH, Aion,AoC,TR,WAR,EVE,BP,RIFT,WoW and others... no more!
I am 37, been married 11 years n have 5 kids. Twenty years ago, I felt n thought the exact same way as the OP n a few others here. Had no intention of settling down, n definately couldn't see myself as a father figure. And I wouldn't change my life now even if I had the chance.
Perhaps as you get older, and your looks begin to fade, and all the once 'hot' women your age are either, married/divorced, have a few kids, or just aren't so 'hot' lookin anymore you may think different. And the 'hot' 20 year olds just aren't interested in you so much anymore...n they start calling you 'Sir'. Or maybe a certain someone you really enjoyed being with, you tossed aside, n you start thinking that you wish you could still have her company. All this weighs in as you get older.
As for the kids, some people want them, some don't. And there is really nothing saying that once you get married you need to have kids. But it is something most woman will want at some point in their life. They typically will want kids more than the guy does. It is instinct, in a womans hormones that they want to have a child. But I have my 5 kids n love em all n couldn't imagine my life without any of em. Sure they piss ya off, annoy the hell outta ya at times, eat everything in the house n cost a fortune. But they are a part of me.
And also when you are 65 years old, retired with nobody to sit with you, no wife to talk to, no kids to help take care of you...who will care that you are old n sick? All you will really have to look forward to is death.
I am sure now at a young age, ppl don't think of 30-40 years down the road. But to me, there is nothing to look forward to, work hard at and no reason to wake up once you get older n find yourself alone.
I am 37, been married 11 years n have 5 kids. Twenty years ago, I felt n thought the exact same way as the OP n a few others here. Had no intention of settling down, n definately couldn't see myself as a father figure. And I wouldn't change my life now even if I had the chance. Perhaps as you get older, and your looks begin to fade, and all the once 'hot' women your age are either, married/divorced, have a few kids, or just aren't so 'hot' lookin anymore you may think different. And the 'hot' 20 year olds just aren't interested in you so much anymore...n they start calling you 'Sir'. Or maybe a certain someone you really enjoyed being with, you tossed aside, n you start thinking that you wish you could still have her company. All this weighs in as you get older. As for the kids, some people want them, some don't. And there is really nothing saying that once you get married you need to have kids. But it is something most woman will want at some point in their life. They typically will want kids more than the guy does. It is instinct, in a womans hormones that they want to have a child. But I have my 5 kids n love em all n couldn't imagine my life without any of em. Sure they piss ya off, annoy the hell outta ya at times, eat everything in the house n cost a fortune. But they are a part of me. And also when you are 65 years old, retired with nobody to sit with you, no wife to talk to, no kids to help take care of you...who will care that you are old n sick? All you will really have to look forward to is death. I am sure now at a young age, ppl don't think of 30-40 years down the road. But to me, there is nothing to look forward to, work hard at and no reason to wake up once you get older n find yourself alone.
Whoa!!! That is a really depressing picture you paint of getting old.
I don't plan on getting old just to wait to die. There are plenty of communities for older adults to stay engaged and enjoy that stage of their lives. Don't look at aging as a bad thing.
This is one of the things that bothers me about today's culture. Everyone looks at aging and older people as a problem. It's not a problem, it's a gift if you really consider the whole of it. Our older people are a great resource of wisdom and knowledge. But instead of using that resource we give into a media portrayed myth and toss older people to the side.
I used to give into that myth too and was actually intimidated being around older people. Then I actually got to know my grandparents and my whole attitude changed. Now I look at an older person and can't wait to get to know what they know. They're like walking encyclopedias practically. And nearly every single one of them are the kindest folks on the planet. They are over that whole "proving" something to someone and have learned what life is really about.
Don't be scared of aging man, it's going to be great. Enjoy every age and don't fear any of them.
"and all the once 'hot' women your age are either, married/divorced, have a few kids, or just aren't so 'hot' lookin anymore you may think different."
That's already happening for me. Most of the women I grew up with my age are married/divorced, have a few kids, and aren't so hot anymore. Im only 24. Personally, I think they all got married too young. Some of them got married while still in High School. Most have kids that cannot support as a couple, and 1 is already divorced. The only place I can find single girls over the age of 18 in my town is at bars/clubs, even then its 50/50.
it certainly gets harder the older you get (im 28).. but it actually gets much easier around 45+... lots of people looking for someone to spend their golden years with... lots of divorcees etc.. with the kids grown and gone.
I hope I find someone to settle down with soon... but if not I'll find one then... not likely marriage mind you.. just a partner.
Grymm MMO addict in recovery! EQ,SWG preCU,L2,EQ2,GW,CoH/CoV,V:SOH, Aion,AoC,TR,WAR,EVE,BP,RIFT,WoW and others... no more!
it certainly gets harder the older you get (im 28).. but it actually gets much easier around 45+... lots of people looking for someone to spend their golden years with... lots of divorcees etc.. with the kids grown and gone.
I hope I find someone to settle down with soon... but if not I'll find one then... not likely marriage mind you.. just a partner.
That's blasphemy! They should accept their loneliness and not go against the meaning of marriage; children.
Old folks trying to change the true defenition of marriage??? We need a Constitutional amendment dammit! What's next, them trying to marry farm animals?
I'm 47 and will be 48 in July and I also have never married. Not that I've had a few opportunities to settle down in the past. I've been in love many times with some wonderful women. The one question that goes through my mind eventually is, "Can I see myself living with this person for the rest of my life or at least the next 15 to 20 years?" And every time the answer has been "no". When I was in my 20's and 30's it was because I didn't want to be "tied down" with a wife and children. As I got older I began to realize that the issue was much more inside me than it was any of the women who I was involved with. There were things that I wanted or needed to do, obstacles inside me that I needed to overcome before I could think of sharing a life with someone. My first obstacle was overcoming my procrastination. I think that's why it has taken me this long to do the things I needed to do in my life.
I also think that society expect people to find someone and settle down. That's all and well but I think many people marry just so they don't feel like an outcast and end up marrying for all the wrong reasons. I have a friend who's marriage is in very big trouble. These people were clearly not made for each other. I recently found out that he reason why she married was because she was didn't want to be alone anymore. Not a very good reason to marry under any circumstance. As for me, sort of marrying someone who is 20 years younger than me, I think the prospect of starting a family (but not marriage) is out of the question. However I still have the hope that I will meet someone who I can spend the rest of my life with and still be happy (or relatively happy with). My advice: Do what you need to do to make you happy now. Enjoy your youth, LEARN from it but don't let it get in the way if you find someone who really WANT to spend your life with. Don't let your family or society dictate the path of your life but recognize a good thing when you see it!
it certainly gets harder the older you get (im 28).. but it actually gets much easier around 45+... lots of people looking for someone to spend their golden years with... lots of divorcees etc.. with the kids grown and gone.
I hope I find someone to settle down with soon... but if not I'll find one then... not likely marriage mind you.. just a partner.
Ya think so huh? Well here's some advice from someone who is 45+. It gets much, much more complicated and difficult to date later on. I know! You would think it gets easier but the truth is it's harder. You have to deal with ex-husbands/wives and hope the split went well or at least amicably, children who may or may not like or tolerate or even acknowledge you, single parents with a ton of emotional baggage from a failed marriage of 15 or 20 years. So you see there's more to it than just shear numbers and smooth sailing.
I'm pretty much undecided on the whole marriage stuff. Some of my friends got married and have good marriages and cool wives. Others have got married and the wifey went soccermom and put them on full lockdown. Its like they have to ask to go to the bathroom.
Don't be terrorized! You're more likely to die of a car accident, drowning, fire, or murder! More people die every year from prescription drugs than terrorism LOL!
Comments
Being single or being in a relationship, neither make you happier than anyone else by themselves. They're trade off's. Both have positives and negatives- but on the most basic level; being single is being lonely and to be with someone is restricting... each to varying degrees.
I decided to get married about 3 years ago when I met a young Filipina from Zamboanga. For anyone who know's where that is.. your are either a geographical genius or have been there. Many people asked me why I want to deal with immigration and the social differences between a born and breed redneck and a very passionate Filipina. Iit boils down to one thing. Complimentary nature. Sometimes when your very fortunate you meet someone who compliments your nature so much you want to replicate that process for a long period of time. Mind you marriage is just one means of this replication. I understand friendships and casual relationships can do so but the proximity that marriage necessitates was preferential to me.
It saddens me when people get married who don't compliment each other because in the long run they run into all the issues the statistics the OP stated. Id assume almost 9/10ths of those who get married do so out of compulsive reasons. Be that culturally or circumstantial seems a moot point to me.
Complimentary marriages, which often last decades basically impliment a process which combines two memes into one. When that happens, the combined capacity of those two people is... Amazing. Thus the old saying behind every great man is a great woman.
Now to counter though there are people who just dont compliment anyone or never find that right person. I just dont think they should get married.
Anywho thats my quick thoughts on marriage. Pardon my grammar. Im writting a report and writting this at the same time from work hehe.
Remember people, Divorce is expensive. The 100% sure fire way to avoid being raped in US family courts is to not get married.
If you are not being responded to directly, you are probably on my ignore list.
Marriage is just really nothing more than a socialogical phenomenon created to mask our innate, sexual impulses. It has nothing to do with love, but is more created by societies to set "defined" parameters of how human behaviour should be controlled and monitored within their respective areas/countries/etc...
Nothing wrong w/ marraige, but just realize that marraige is a sociatal "indoctrination" to fit in to your respective clan/tribe/city/country/etc... Hence it is a programmed socialogical phenomenon created by an agreed upon cultural edict, and hence becomes "tradition" to the point that it is considered as part of "right or passage" by nearly all cultures/people/nations/etc...
I suppose what I said about marriage could apply to anything in society, because right from birth, human life is a subjective indoctrination (and one wherein an idividual has little choice in that matter). Since societal conditioning starts from birth and is a process designed to prepare you for "membership" phase of your life (normally around your 20's)... the question here is marraige that necessary or important once and individual perceives his/her world beyond the "membership" phase of his indoctrination...
To me marraige is just a societal process... i won't get married becuase I need to grow up, or believe behind the childish eyes of "Love"... I'd get married if there was a tax break involved... for me marraige is just an extension of a utalitarian function of mating and sex.. albiet it's dressed up as "civilized" and "domesticated" by culture so that "sex" is demonized and turned into the "holy" santity of marraige.
my 2 cents.
As with anything, marriage is a system of good and bad things. People claiming that marriage/love/etc. IS one way or the other are just full of it. Sure, there are people who follow society and its trends around blindly, but for those of us who actually think about ourselves and the world around us, the reason(s) to get married and/or have kid(s) ends up being different for everyone.
For me, I didn't mind being alone and focused only on myself. But I wanted to develop myself beyond "me." There's something to be said about bringing another person into your life and holding them there tightly in your arms. Sure, there are fights between myself and my husband, and being newly married we're still pushing each other on things to find a middle ground between "me" and "him," but there is now a "him" in my life. There's someone who is now a part of my family, who balances out parts of me that aren't quite as strong, and who lets me balance his weaker parts out as well. It's like riding a seesaw... yes, you can ride it alone and still have fun, but riding with another is fun for different reasons.
As for a kid, I think it'd be fun to have a little me/him. And if the little me is anything like what I was, I'll be VERY busy
Sure they're a lot of time and money, but really... so what? It'll be a new journey and adventure.
The odd thing is I had the opportunity to go to a place where marriage is actually entirely unknown to the locals. Yet they had the exact same meme. Just under a different set of customs. It seems to me Marriage or at least pair bonding is inherent to some species. Albeit with exceptions which seem to help the whole.
The funniest thing I see happening with youths these days are competitive marriages. Talk about assinine.
I've been married twice. Each time I have felt that she was "the one." My personality is very loyalty oriented. Years of military school and the military probably probably beat that into me. Combined with my Catholic background, I was screwed once I found "the one." I was compelled through unconscious teachings residing in my mind that I must get married.
I could go on about happiness, what marriage and divorce and re-marriage have meant to me, but won't. I will try to keep things simple.
Kids came about for me because my second wife desperately wanted them. It's that simple. I had no clue what I was getting into. Kids are one thing I feel none of us are prepared for in life. We think we are, but once we have them, they completely change our world. You either adapt or your life will unravel.
I will tell you why single people say they are "happier." It's very simple: Their lives revolve solely around themselves. It is a lot easier to make yourself happy when you don't have to make a spouse and kids happy too. Being married with children is a lot of work. Very little of that work you would actually do if you were single. So, like I said before, you either adapt and make family life fun, or it will tear your happiness apart. You will think that it is the marriage that is failing, but the reality is that it is your own personality that failed.
Finally, I will tell you the last marriage and kid secret answer to the question many wonder. You may be thinking, "Dae says all this stuff, but how do I know I have a personality that can handle marriage and kids?" Well, the answer is we don't know. I know may people think they know, but the reality is that they don't. Not for sure. Here lies the reason for so many failed marriages, particularly once children enter the mix. Children can literally kill your inner-self if you let them. Once you see this happen, you feel like there is nothing you can do to save your "self". Once again, you either adapt or your marriage and parenting experience fails. I can say that you can be happy, married, do things you love, have good sex, and have crazy children.
First of all... don't let ANYONE pressure you by saying "You need to marry..." Anytime someone starts a sentence at me with "You need to..." I shut them out right there.
You know what you want in life...
Now on a side note... One day you'll see her...then BAM, Love at first sight... You won't be able to stop it. So... Enjoy life while you're single, and enjoy it when/if you find your true love. Both are just fine.
Hmm ok ill bite.
I see you like to party and date a lot thats cool i did too.It also sounds as if you never want it to end.
Next time you go to a club or bar or whatever find the guy who is mid 40's or so and is talking to all the pretty young girls.Look at the reaction of the girls towards they guy old enough to be their father.
You do NOT want to be that guy.
All i can say is that if you WANT to be single the rest of your life have at it.
BUT you better be making a lot of money and SAVING it because NOBODY is going to watch out for you if your 80 years old and single.
It isnt about growing up its about being responsible for yourself and not having regrets.It is also about having a GOOD life full of meaning.
When you get older and look back at this time in your life will you regret it?I regret most of my 20's the only thing good about it was meeting my wife(married 15 years).All my socalled friends at the time are all but gone to me as i dont talk to them anymore whatsoever.
Currently loving life and loving watching my daughter grow up and spending as much time with her as i possibly can.
Sounds to me like your looking for a reason to stay single.Only you can really answer that 1.
What is your physical limit?
When you meet a girl and feel you want to have babies with her, you will understand. Or she will convince you
I live alone, that's not a good way to live, trust me. edit: I mean at an older age, you are still too young to form a family. Wait 7-10 years.
Marriage and children work for some people
For others not so much
I don't think their is a real right and wrong with either, just a choice, and either can lead to a happy life.
To the OP...
I'm 42, and I've never been married. The longest I've been in a relationship is 2 years.
At your age I was convinced that I wanted to remain single for a very long time (if not forever) . I subscribed to the adage "variety is the spice of life".
Meet a girl be on your best behavior, convince her you were the best thing since sliced bread... shag her and then conjure up some crazy story on why you can't see her anymore. I think you are looking for some kind of validation for your life style. But as a middle aged man looking back, let me warn you about one thing. Regret. It has a way of stalking you like nothing else. Regret builds up over time and eventually it feels like you are dragging a wet mattress behind you, the rope attached to your neck. On that mattress is every callous remark and broken heart that you have left behind. You'll forget names of girls who wanted to spend the rest of your life with you. Oh sure you'll have fun. You'll have great stories to tell at bachelor parties, and every man in a crappy marriage will envy you, but one day you'll wake up and all you'll have to choose from is the 30 gigs of porn on your hard drive and a bottle of lubriderm or the woman who was married to that unhappy man you met at the bachelor party (and her 4 kids from 2 separate marriages).
So from my perspective, I can't recommend the single lifestyle for the long term. My advice: If you must sow your wild oats try to do so without being a prick to women. Go clubbing to get laid, the girls there expect one night stands. But don't stop looking for the real thing, and give it plenty of time. Don't worry about children. If you are ever lucky enough to find the girl of your dreams that question will answer itself.
When I was 20 I left the only girl I ever loved because the temptations of the single life consumed me. I've regretted that decision every day of my life for the last 22 years.
I think you missunderstand me
I'm not living this life style to "sleep around" as it were, or have "variety" , as if my whole goal in life is to have random sex,I was simply pointing out studys have shown singles have better sex, Thats not my life tho, My lifestyle is about unprecedented freedom ( with anything ) if I want to move to Japan tommorow, I can. You said you thought It sounded like I needed some sort of validation to my life style. That defeats the whole purpose of my post, I think people should breakaway from needing validation from others for what you truely want. Even the extremely small and pointless things, like what kind of music to listen to because its "normal" ( yeah its off topic but you get the point )
From what i've seen most of the people who have replied to my thread ( and to my surprise in PM's ) who have agreed with me were single, and those that have other opinions, are / have been or intend to get married in the near future.
I totally appreciate the honesty in your post, From what I'm seeing newlyweds seem to be flooded with young girls getting married because their friends are doing it and they don't want to be left behind ( Is'nt this the future generation of single Moms?). Also
Of course the circumstances might be unknown to us. Since I made this post last year, A friend of mine has gotten married and divorced. Now, contrary to popular belief, this may sound corny as hell, But I do believe in "true love" as it were....yeah that did sound corny. But I also think its so extremely rare 99% of people never find it. Is it worth pursuing? Thats up to the individual. Do I wanna be "that" 89 year old guy with a cane hunching over while hitting on 24yo girls at clubs? Yeah I'm in a band now, but do I wanna be the 89 year old bald rocker still pumping devil horns taking excedrin during breaks? Of course not, at that point id rather be dead ( no i'm not joking haha ). But in my eyes its just as sad to see old men going out to "hang out with the guys" just to get away from their wives. Both sides of this story essentially end the same to me, its up to us to choose the path. I'm not saying anyones wrong, I was just expressing the way I viewed it. You see long-term singles as people who end up being sad lonely people riddled with regret. I see married people as I've stated. I guess I'm living in the "now" Not living my life so I'll be happy when I'm 85.
I'm sorry if I came off as a "prick" to you, I was never trying to. It just it seems "Taboo" to talk about what we REALLY think, not what other people want to hear. So I'm saying what I really think hehe. Its the whole cookie cutter lifestyle choices ( including marriage ) , doing it just because its normal. Thats part of the point I was trying to get across. To the comment way up the page, Asking me if I would regret not getting married when I was older, finding out my choices only left me wallowing in regret, I can pop that question back, if your marriage goes bad, and you then feel like you wasted your youth, will you regret it? What I've learned from this thread, is there seems to be no definitive answer to the question, to get married or to not. Also, I loved the comment by you Faxxer, "You know what you want in life....." This can be said on behalf of someone getting married, or not.
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heh.. sounds like me when I was 20. In a band, juggling multiple girlfriends, never wanting to be married. Funny how much 18 years later will change a persons attitude. I didnt start feeling old until I was 33, came right after I ruptured a disk in my neck. I guess I felt invounerable for most of my life, that injury was a slap in my face. Not to mention, seeing many of my friends only a few years older than me getting ill with cancer or suffering different flavors of lifes hardships. Im 38 now, and Im nothing like I was when I was 20. I know I had too much of punishing myself, so I turned my life around and started thinking more of other people in my life than myself. I think life would be a wasted journey to travel alone.
Unlike most people I see in this thread, I dont regret anything I did in my life. The countless drugs Ive taken, the 3 times I overdosed, or waking up passed out in strange apartments after partying. As I got older and have seen 4 of my close friends pass away, one from cancer, 2 suicides and one car wreck, I asked myself the question "if I died today, what would I regret". My answer was always having children.
With that said, I got pretty lucky 2 years ago. I met someone.. after I thought I was that creepy older guy trying to pick up younger girls at night clubs or whatever she came out of nowhere. She's much younger than me, but we're both gaming freaks and share a lot together. We plan on starting a family this year. Her parents are young enough to enjoy grand kids for a good portion of their lives. My parents, they live quite a ways from me but will also be extremely happy to see our lineage grow.
enjoy whatever life is throwing at you, just letting you know that you'll change. In some way, you'll change. 20 years old, thats too damn young to think about marriage or kids anyway. You need to be going out, experiencing ..."things" and having fun
I do have something to say though, your post is laced with the fear of failure. You're right, divorce rates are high. I think the chances of you dying are a bit higher though. If you're avoiding relationships because you're afraid of failing at them, I guess thats one way not to become a statistic.
"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a robot foot stomping on a human face -- forever."
I'm sorry if I came off as a "prick" to you, I was never trying to.
I didn't feel you were being a prick. I'm guilty of reading between the lines (and perhaps in error).
I completely understand the freedom that you speak of. There are probably an equal proportion of unhappy married people as there are married ones. Its ok to value your freedom. I guess in so many words I'm trying to say that just because you might decide to adopt the single life, don't put your blinders on to any potential finds along the way. When you meet her, you'll know. The difference will be that you won't mind the thought of her taking away any freedom.
Good luck!
I hope I will never marry... I've been engaged once (after 7 years with the girl) and it ended in disaster. That was 5 years ago.
Here is my reasoning: People change.... a lot.. over time. Just because you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl today does not mean that she will still be someone you want to do that with 5 or 10 years from now... plain and simple.
It used to be that married couples stayed together because it was a major no-no to divorce/break up a marriage.. now the only real restriction is the way it will effect your children (assuming you have them). The result.. look at the divorce rate! Every one of my best friends was married and divorced by 25.
I'm all about long relationships... I sincerely hope I meet a girl tomorrow and spend the rest of my life with her... but I'm not gonna assume that its "forever" and take a leap of faith like that.
Add to all this the way the deck is stacked against the guy in divorce court.. (sorry ladies.. its truth)... and screw that!
The only reason I see to get married is religious beliefs.. and I'm an atheist so that doesnt effect me!
Grymm
MMO addict in recovery!
EQ,SWG preCU,L2,EQ2,GW,CoH/CoV,V:SOH,
Aion,AoC,TR,WAR,EVE,BP,RIFT,WoW and others... no more!
I am 37, been married 11 years n have 5 kids. Twenty years ago, I felt n thought the exact same way as the OP n a few others here. Had no intention of settling down, n definately couldn't see myself as a father figure. And I wouldn't change my life now even if I had the chance.
Perhaps as you get older, and your looks begin to fade, and all the once 'hot' women your age are either, married/divorced, have a few kids, or just aren't so 'hot' lookin anymore you may think different. And the 'hot' 20 year olds just aren't interested in you so much anymore...n they start calling you 'Sir'. Or maybe a certain someone you really enjoyed being with, you tossed aside, n you start thinking that you wish you could still have her company. All this weighs in as you get older.
As for the kids, some people want them, some don't. And there is really nothing saying that once you get married you need to have kids. But it is something most woman will want at some point in their life. They typically will want kids more than the guy does. It is instinct, in a womans hormones that they want to have a child. But I have my 5 kids n love em all n couldn't imagine my life without any of em. Sure they piss ya off, annoy the hell outta ya at times, eat everything in the house n cost a fortune. But they are a part of me.
And also when you are 65 years old, retired with nobody to sit with you, no wife to talk to, no kids to help take care of you...who will care that you are old n sick? All you will really have to look forward to is death.
I am sure now at a young age, ppl don't think of 30-40 years down the road. But to me, there is nothing to look forward to, work hard at and no reason to wake up once you get older n find yourself alone.
Whoa!!! That is a really depressing picture you paint of getting old.
I don't plan on getting old just to wait to die. There are plenty of communities for older adults to stay engaged and enjoy that stage of their lives. Don't look at aging as a bad thing.
This is one of the things that bothers me about today's culture. Everyone looks at aging and older people as a problem. It's not a problem, it's a gift if you really consider the whole of it. Our older people are a great resource of wisdom and knowledge. But instead of using that resource we give into a media portrayed myth and toss older people to the side.
I used to give into that myth too and was actually intimidated being around older people. Then I actually got to know my grandparents and my whole attitude changed. Now I look at an older person and can't wait to get to know what they know. They're like walking encyclopedias practically. And nearly every single one of them are the kindest folks on the planet. They are over that whole "proving" something to someone and have learned what life is really about.
Don't be scared of aging man, it's going to be great. Enjoy every age and don't fear any of them.
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"and all the once 'hot' women your age are either, married/divorced, have a few kids, or just aren't so 'hot' lookin anymore you may think different."
That's already happening for me. Most of the women I grew up with my age are married/divorced, have a few kids, and aren't so hot anymore. Im only 24. Personally, I think they all got married too young. Some of them got married while still in High School. Most have kids that cannot support as a couple, and 1 is already divorced. The only place I can find single girls over the age of 18 in my town is at bars/clubs, even then its 50/50.
it certainly gets harder the older you get (im 28).. but it actually gets much easier around 45+... lots of people looking for someone to spend their golden years with... lots of divorcees etc.. with the kids grown and gone.
I hope I find someone to settle down with soon... but if not I'll find one then... not likely marriage mind you.. just a partner.
Grymm
MMO addict in recovery!
EQ,SWG preCU,L2,EQ2,GW,CoH/CoV,V:SOH,
Aion,AoC,TR,WAR,EVE,BP,RIFT,WoW and others... no more!
That's blasphemy! They should accept their loneliness and not go against the meaning of marriage; children.
Old folks trying to change the true defenition of marriage??? We need a Constitutional amendment dammit! What's next, them trying to marry farm animals?
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I'm 47 and will be 48 in July and I also have never married. Not that I've had a few opportunities to settle down in the past. I've been in love many times with some wonderful women. The one question that goes through my mind eventually is, "Can I see myself living with this person for the rest of my life or at least the next 15 to 20 years?" And every time the answer has been "no". When I was in my 20's and 30's it was because I didn't want to be "tied down" with a wife and children. As I got older I began to realize that the issue was much more inside me than it was any of the women who I was involved with. There were things that I wanted or needed to do, obstacles inside me that I needed to overcome before I could think of sharing a life with someone. My first obstacle was overcoming my procrastination. I think that's why it has taken me this long to do the things I needed to do in my life.
I also think that society expect people to find someone and settle down. That's all and well but I think many people marry just so they don't feel like an outcast and end up marrying for all the wrong reasons. I have a friend who's marriage is in very big trouble. These people were clearly not made for each other. I recently found out that he reason why she married was because she was didn't want to be alone anymore. Not a very good reason to marry under any circumstance. As for me, sort of marrying someone who is 20 years younger than me, I think the prospect of starting a family (but not marriage) is out of the question. However I still have the hope that I will meet someone who I can spend the rest of my life with and still be happy (or relatively happy with). My advice: Do what you need to do to make you happy now. Enjoy your youth, LEARN from it but don't let it get in the way if you find someone who really WANT to spend your life with. Don't let your family or society dictate the path of your life but recognize a good thing when you see it!
Ya think so huh? Well here's some advice from someone who is 45+. It gets much, much more complicated and difficult to date later on. I know! You would think it gets easier but the truth is it's harder. You have to deal with ex-husbands/wives and hope the split went well or at least amicably, children who may or may not like or tolerate or even acknowledge you, single parents with a ton of emotional baggage from a failed marriage of 15 or 20 years. So you see there's more to it than just shear numbers and smooth sailing.
I'm pretty much undecided on the whole marriage stuff. Some of my friends got married and have good marriages and cool wives. Others have got married and the wifey went soccermom and put them on full lockdown. Its like they have to ask to go to the bathroom.
Don't be terrorized! You're more likely to die of a car accident, drowning, fire, or murder! More people die every year from prescription drugs than terrorism LOL!
I've noticed as well. I mean, I woke up this morning and I could have poked a hole in a steel wall.