A "Personal Problems" Thread: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

goneglockin · March 2009

About 2 weeks ago I had a fight with my gf, one of many over the course of our 10 month, roller coaster relationship. It was another pointless argument, but for me it turned out to be the straw that broke my back. I lost the will to continue and couldn't honestly tell myself that this is what I wanted, that I was happy or in love. So, I left.

Here's the back story:

The first two months of our relationship were "honeymoon" months. Things were great. We were into eachother, we went out and did things together, I figured this one might be the one to stick around. At 27, the time is about right to at least get the ball rolling. In August of last year she moved into an apartment with her best girl friend and shortly after that is when the problems and the fighting started.

She became very irratable, unhappy and generally treated me poorly on most days. We still had a few "good times" here and there, but they were scant. The fighting was mostly limited to arguments.

About 3 months ago I decided I'd had enough and tried to leave her. She blocked the door of the room I was in and would not let me leave until I "talked to her" and I insisted there was nothing more to say and I was getting my things and leaving. I tried to talk her away from the door for about 3 or 4 tense minutes and warned her that I would move her myself if she did not.

She didn't move so I grabbed her and shoved her sideways along the wall. She tripped over her own feet and fell right on her ass and blew up in a rage and started beating on me. I was scampering through her apartment trying to grab my things with one hand and shield my face with the other the entire time. I made it out the door, threw my crap in the car and bailed.

I made it about two miles down the road when I got a call from her. She said to tell her friends and family that she was sorry for what she was going to do and that she loved them and hung up. Great. I pulled an immediate U-turn in metro Detroit traffic and almost jack-knifed a trailer, drove the wrong way down a one way street and made it to her house in less than a minute.

Her room mate had just come home from work so I was able to get into the apartment to find that my gf had locked herself in the bathroom. She wouldn't open the door so I had to start kicking the damn thing apart and just when it started to splinter she opened it and quickly retreated to the corner with one hand behind her back.

I came upon her slowly, got in close, then went for the arm behind her back. She had grabbed a kitchen knife and I had to wrestle it away from her. I tossed the knife out and blocked the door to the bathroom. The room mate came in and we all started to calm down a bit, that's when she grabbed her car keys off the counter, ran out the door and took off.

I called the police and got them to hide around her place and talked her into coming home where she was promptly blocked in by cruisers. The cops said they couldn't take her in because she didn't really threaten suicide and I was too shaken up to realize what the cop was saying when he repeated "are you sure she didn't say she was going to kill herself?" So I called her mother and the police took off shortly after mom got there, and so did i.

After Her Nervous Break Down:

After my gf threatened suicide the first time I tried to break up with her, she called me to tell me she was getting help, she wanted me back, she was sorry. Etc. So I agreed to go with her to some therapy and see about getting her on medication thinking maybe things could be OK. I also felt guilty, worried and somewhere I felt hopeful.

She actively went to therapy for about a month. From then on the medication was supposed to most of the work, but it didn't. We slowly went right back to fighting over many stupid things, fights that still resulted in hurt feelings. So two weeks ago I finally had enough. I left my things in her house, I called her and told her I would not be coming back and how I felt. Almost immediately she became hysterical and threatened to kill herself again but I didn't go for it. I threatened to call her mother and she backed off.

For that first week I was a complete prick. When she called me at work I would shout at her to leave me the hell alone. When she showed up at my house I told her I was calling the cops. After a week of that I broke down and just began listening to what she had to say.

She said that she understood our relationship was over but that she didn't really have anyone else to talk to. I tried to tell her to just talk to a therapist if no one else would listen. She insisted that I was the one she had to tell her feelings to and so I listened. She couldn't let go, and it was even harder for her to do so now that she had learned some things about herself and what her problems were.

The Problem:

See, she has something called poly-cystic ovarian syndrome or some such thing, PCOS they call it. Basically it causes varying levels of hormonal imbalance. Her doctor had some tests run on her and it turns out she had the testosterone levels a healthy man her age would have. To compensate for this her body tried to produce an excess amount of estrogen to counter-balance it all. It turned her into an emotional train wreck. This also accounts for why the psychiatric medication was not working, it could only mask the symptoms of a hormonal imbalance.

I knew all about PCOS going in, she was honest about it. She said she was taking medication for it that could control it to a degree. She told me her doctor also said the medication had been ineffective for the past 7 months. She's 23 now and I don't believe she had any change in her meds for PCOS since she was in her teens. In that time her body had changed as well.

It all makes sense to me and it would seem that she could become that girl I met in the beginning again. So while I'm promising nothing, I can already feel the thoughts working in my head of how things could be if I went back; a faint glimmer of hope in the dark and all that.

At the same time I've already begun doing some networking and have made a date or two. Nothing serious, just putting myself out there and trying to meet some new people with other friends. I have told her all this and have also told her to give me space, to try to move on, to make new friends.

All she says is that she doesn't want to just get over me and move on, that she is going to be better soon and she will want me back or she is going to regret it. I've also told her that when she gets right with herself she wont feel like she needs me anymore. That she can't try to get better because she believes it will make me come back. I've told her adamantly that it will not and she should not do it for that reason or she will be dissapointed.

Basically Ive been trying to talk tough and I've been through many break ups so I can do it well and do it easily. (which also bothers her) I've never managed to keep a girl around longer than a couple of years at the longest. I'm also a bit of a former whore with the genital herpes to prove it. I don't want that lifestyle anymore, but I don't want to be some born-again celibate wacko like some of the gals I used to whore around with, I also don't want another girlfriend. I only want some stability, either the peaceful, quiet kind- or the kind you share with someone you love. I won't take anything else.

So the thought of having the girl back that I fell in love with 10 months ago is sadly appealing and I can feel my will power slipping. She wants another chance. The real pisser of it is she reminds me of how I swept her up in this relationship only 10 months after the guy she was with for five years cheated on her, and not long before that she was raped at college. She had a real problem trusting men when I met her but I told her to go with her emotions and give me a chance. I feel like a real shit now that she's turning the tables on me, saying she deserves the same.

My Problem:

The problem is my emotions just aren't in this anymore. I still care for her a great deal and want to help talk her through her problems because no one else will. I realize full well that I should not be the one to do it, that I am not responsible for her, and that if I promise anything or say anything but no I am doing more harm than good.

Tonight though, tonight I felt myself slipping. What the hell am I going to do? Do I keep walking and never look back like I've done so many times before? Do I take a wait and see approach? I mean, has anyone fallen out of love with someone and then fallen back in love with them later? ...Without it being that special, creepy, stalker kind of love that results from loneliness and depression?

If you read all that, sincerely, thankyou. Hope it was somewhat entertaining if nothing else.

goneglockin · March 2009

This is an email she sent me tonight after I held my ground over the phone:

First, the conversation today was a mistake on my part that went horribly wrong. My intent with this letter is not to infringe on your need for space, because I agree that it is what we both need for now, but I feel I need to clarify some things…

My attempt to talk to you today went very wrong not only because it turned into something neither of us wanted to discuss, but also because I got way to emotional and I lost my focus. I should have realized that this would happen considering I have been taking new medication that is most likely beginning to bring my testosterone levels down (hence all the crying over nothing in particular). Once I began crying, the real reason for me wanting to talk became all jumbled up and ended up coming out all wrong. So I think I need to start from the beginning…

When I went to see my doctor I talked to her about a lot of the things going on with me and the effect it was having on my life and my relationships. After just talking about it briefly she decided to run a bunch of blood work, do an ultra sound, and talk the counselor in the office. My blood work basically showed that my testosterone level was around that of a man (hence all my anger), and that my estrogen levels were as elevated as a pregnant woman (hence the excessive emotion). That means that my birth control was no longer working to control my hormones and it had been that way for quite some time.

At this point I went to talk to the counselor and he made me make a time line of the last 10 months (because my last hormone level test was 10 months ago and all my levels were good then). While I was doing that he was writing a bunch of shit down. After about 15 minutes I was able to jot down a lot about the highs and lows of the past 10 months. Then I went with the counselor back into the doctors office to get some kind of explanation.

Before my doctor explained anything she told me that I needed to pay attention to what my body is trying to tell me and also be educated enough on the topic to talk to people in my life who are affected. I feel that you have been affected by this so I need to try to explain the best way I can…Gathered from the amount my hormone levels had changed, and the amount/size of the cysts on my ovaries, and the timeline that I made my doctor figures that my medication stopped working approximately 5-7 months ago.

That figure didn’t really mean much to me until the connection was made with the timeline. She pointed out that about 6 months ago I began to lose my confidence, feel more depressed/lonely, have problems with my cycle, issues with my sex drive, and placed a lot of stress on my self. At this point I felt like she had completely blown my mind, I had one of those moments where now everything seemed so obviously connected, though I had never noticed before. This was something she wanted to look into further, so we could figure out what to do from here. That day I was given a new birth control medication to dramatically lower the amount of male hormone in my body, which would eventually cause my body to cut down on the amount of estrogen produced.

One symptom of pcos (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is elevated testosterone levels and if not controlled with medication it can become worse. Basically as my meds stopped working my body started producing more testosterone, which led to cysts that caused my body to produce more testosterone. As that continued to increase, my endocrine system pumped out more estrogen to compensate. All which led me to where I am now, full of more hormones than I know what to do with…

The reason I felt the need to talk to you tonight was because I spent most of my session with the counselor today connecting a lot of our issues with my hormonal fluctuations. I was eager to talk to you because I felt a sense of relief knowing that most of the confusion I felt, that led to the fights, was due to the hormonal chaos in my body.

I was so excited about learning all of this, that I convinced myself that this would be a big deal for you too. I didn’t tell you all of this because I thought it would convince you to change your mind or make some other dramatic decision. I needed to say all of this to you so you could see that a lot of our problems together were just the product of the problems I was having internally. Many of these internal problems will hopefully work themselves out within the next week or two as my medication continues to correct the hormone levels.

This is why I don’t want you to completely turn your back on me, because I know that the happy, driven, silly, and loving girl is still within me. And I remember you really liking that girl in the first few months of our relationship. I know that is who I really am and I know I’ll feel more and more like myself as my hormones start to get back in check. The next few weeks will be emotional for me as my hormones begin to level out. That’s why agree we both need to take the next few weeks to do for ourselves.

I will try to give you the space you need… I’m hoping that you will think about everything I said here and take that into consideration whenyou think about all the bad stuff and all the reasons to walk away. All I want is a chance to really show you that I am different from the angry confused girl I had become.I would really like to talk to you in more detail about this, but for now I think this was a good start…if you want to respond to me, I’d love to hear what you have to say.

For the mean time I will only contact you by text/email if I really need to…but please just think about all of this over the next couple weeksHope to hear from you soon, With love and hope,Megan aka freckles Sorry this was so long…its much easier to express myself in writing, obviously..

Syncrosonix · March 2009

i have an ex-girlfriend who did some of the same bullshit to me. unlike your ex, mine actually attempted to kill herself. she OD'ed on 500mg naproxen that she stole from her mother's med cabinet. her plan was to die in my driveway so that she could haunt the current home that i lived in at the time. other being a massive attention whore, i dunno what her problem was.

like you, i listened to her, but i also took her back. the problems picked up where i left them a couple of weeks prior. it was the final straw. on a fateful friday night after having worked a 15hr shift, i dumped her in front of all of her friends, including the jealous male friend. funny thing is that they sided with ME and even told her that she took full advantage of me. never once said "thank you" for some of the cheesy stuff i bought her.

anyway, to make a long, boring story short.....she's only doing that shit to you because she's hoping you'll be a pussy whipped little bitch whom she can mold around her finger. forget her, man. just move on and find a woman who acts her age, who is emotionally stable, and won't subject you to any of that bullshit. whether it's a medical condition or not. chicks like her aren't worth it.

if she really wanted to kill herself, she would have done it. she's screaming for attention. don't give her any. as for the ex of mine....well, she ended up parking her car on some railroad tracks a week and a half later. to this day, i don't care, and don't care to know about the contents of her suicide note. i sleep well at night, too, by the way.

baff · March 2009

Been out with one of these.

They grow moustaches. I know what to look out for now.

Went out with her for about a year before she just wore me down.

Moronic unreasonable and daily tantrums about stuff like "you looked at that girl when you crossed the road" or "You are having an affair with my sister".

Just mad stuff. Deeply, deeply off the deep end. Every day. Always some fantasy excuse to go ballistic.

And then she would threaten to leave me and blah blah blah. That's how she would keep guilting me back to her. People will use your good nature against you sometimes. To control you.

But I tell you mate. Just think about your children. Do you want them brought up by a kamikaze, batshit madwoman who will scream at them the whole time and emotionally blackmail them all.

The kindest thing you can do is get away from her and give her the chance to get over you and find someother poor sap who might be up for it.

How many times did I have to leave a party becuase she has gone ballistic or wanted to start a fight. Or been madjack in front of my family. It's not cool. I'm looking for a team player who has got my back. Not a banzai suicidal basket case for whom I am a full time nurse.

One day she said to me on the phone before she hung up, the same thing she said to me everyday, "you will never see me again" SLAM! (which is her language for come over and shag me now) and on that last day, I finally thought "Good. I don't want to". And I was free.

I then hid from her for the next 9 years. Changed my lifestyle completely so that I was never anywhere she might ever be.

The next girl I met (had already met) was a quiet, shy, self controlled, impeccable mannered little Japanese lady. A primary school teacher. I fell in love with her.

She has all her own madnesses of course, but they just aren't so traumatic the whole time. I've been with her ever since. We still constantly argue over nothing, of course. But it's a kind of hidden smile argument. Not a screaming hysterical, out of control irrational one.

I met that old girlfriend 9 years later, just the other month, at a Motorhead concert. It was cool we could be civil to eachother she said she was engaged now. Her life had moved on. I'm very glad about that and wish her all the best. Glad it's not me though and her fiance, whoever he may be, has my every sympathy and also my great respect.

Briansho · March 2009

Ah relationships, when they are good they are good. When they are bad, get the hell out as early as possible. There are too many normal chics out there. If a chic is constantly starting shit she is trying to force you into a role and something that you're not. Why let your confidence, esteem, and persona take a hit because she isn't taking her medicine, was abused, or is trying to get attention? There is not excuse, she needs to get her shit together before trying to engage another human being in a meaningful strong relationship.

Don't let her control you and win. Whether she wants you to be aggressive, confrontational, abusive, etc.. Learn from it and move on. She sure as hell doesn't want you to be normal and yourself. You deserve better, theres just too many better things out there you could be concentrating your energy on. Its hard balancing your feelings and thoughts between logic and emotion but you have to make a stand and lock yourself down to whats best for you. Or else you will go insane and/or start developing abusive behaviour youself that will be transferred to future relationships. Why do that? Just a thought...

streea · March 2009

Echoing what others have said here. As long as you spend time around her or listen to her attention whoring words, you will be her personal punching bag. People need to be able to handle themselves before they try to add a partner to their life.

Don't answer her calls, don't reply to anything, and if she comes around you, call the cops. She's self-destructive and will take you with her if she can.

Rikimaru_X · March 2009

I got to go to work soon so I don't have the time to read this. Relationships & psychology is my speciality. Let me say this to you though even though I know I haven't gotten the chance to read yet. Find out who the problem is in a relationship. If your the problem, fix yourself and if she is, ya gotta leave and move on. Think about a future when it comes to relationships. I'll get my reply in sometime later tonight.

Litigator_AB · March 2009

Avoid girls like that at all cost.

There are plenty of normal girls out there. And believe it or not, when you fall in love with them, they will smell as sweet and be your world just like she is, minus all the problems.

Dump her and pretend you never knew her.

Lit

goneglockin · March 2009

Thanks for reading and replying guys. It really helps to have folks share their stories, or warn you of the consequences, to reinforce yourself when you feel you are slipping. Your stories help me remind me of why I have to never look back.

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A "Personal Problems" Thread: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

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A "Personal Problems" Thread: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

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