Howdy, Stranger!
It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!
Quick Links
Need some feedback on my writing.
Axum
Member Posts: 891
Lost
A sublime teal pin stripe, tranquil against the grungy gray walls, acts as a sole lacuna in his somber surroundings. He lays on the freezing, concrete floor staring up at the ceiling which appears to be even colder. His ultramarine eyes are hollow, lifeless; fixed upon a single point, though looking at nothing at all. Disheveled blond hair, sprawling upon the ground, creates a barbaric cast of the rugged curvatures below. He remains... silent.
Spears of light force their way through the thick, satin curtains, forming a halo around the only window in his sanctuary. A train approaches on the rusted tracks nearby, he flinches, but does not turn to look. It's just one of the many things that he had to get used to. Though... it's not like anything ever changed; nothing ever seems to change.
"How many days has it been....?"
His thought escaped his mind and came into reality, rupturing the lingering silence at its seams. Even so, his body did not shift and his eyes did not lose track of their target. He scanned the depths of his mind, frantically tossing useless memories aside. What he had for lunch two weeks ago and the lyrics to a new song, that he couldn't quite recall the title of, were of no importance at this point in time. He just wanted to remem...
"196"
Once again the silence is broken, a thought spoken aloud for some sense of self justification. His mind is racing now, like a person flipping through a phone book, multitudes of information passes before him. Although he only grasps but a trace of the entirety, it is more than enough.
"Why am I here....?"
The screech of another train muffles his words into whispers. He full-well knows why he is here, though asking forces himself to remember. It's somewhat painful to recall all the things he had done, all the people he left behind, but if he were to move forward, he must learn to cope with his decisions of the past. His blank expression became slightly hinted with sadness, not enough for a regular person to notice, but maybe she would have...
"Make You Crazy"
His lifeless voice became filled with relief as he finally remembers the title of that song. His left hand lifts from it's resting place on the freezing, concrete floor; moving sluggishly, almost as if it were pressured by the air as it would be under water. The palm of his hand lands over his left eye as his fingers curve up to the top of his forehead.
"You know it's hard to be yourself,
to free yourself,
to see yourself..."
Not much effort is put into actually singing the song, all he seemed to care about was the lyrics.
7:30 AM
"Ugh. What time is it?"
He rubs his eyes viciously, trying to force them to open against their will. After stretching and popping his sore, rigid back, he rolled over and creaked open his eyes. All he could seem to make out was the glaring red "7:30 AM" on his alarm clock.
"Already? How long did I sleep?"
While trying to work it out in his head, using his fingers to count, his eyelids suddenly became very heavy... He could barely... seem... to keep them... open...
"SHIT! It's Saturday!"
His eyes burst open as he quickly sat up. The blood draining from his head blinded him for the first few seconds, but as soon as the darkness faded he was moving full speed ahead. First to the closet, tearing a red sateen shirt and black slacks off of a hanger. He rushed into the restroom, turned on the shower, and jumped in. The cold water felt like icicles stabbing his warm, unprepared skin. With every drop his body shouted, though he had no time to listen.
This disorder, this chaos, was not anything out of the ordinary. Not once was he able to get up on time, his dreams seemingly never let him go. As soon as he was in the shower, he was out, dressed and ready. He grabbed a ripe red apple from a bowl on the the counter, the only thing sitting on top of the cheaply made, laminate, piece of crap. With the slam of a door his paradise collapsed, he became a part of the world once more.
She is his light, his diamond amongst the never-ending rough before him. The only thing which he knows is real, but still...
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
The shrieks from a chorus of horns awake him from his daze. The light seems to have change, but he didn't notice. He thought to himself while easing his foot down on the gas, 'I wonder how long it has been green?'. His car rolls forward, the tires scraping against the loose gravel that litters the road. Just a bit longer, then he'd be there.
Pulling into the parking lot, he turns directly towards the farthest corner he could. A little walk always helps him prepare for the day ahead. Another twelve hours of mindless organizing and pricing...like every other day.
"Bryan, you're late."
Before I could even take a step into the door my manager, John Petterson, already started the daily ritual of bitching at me for the most miniscule of things. I look up at the clock, it reads, '8:04 AM.'
"Just four minutes, i'll make it up by staying four minutes after if you'd like." I start walking towards the employee lounge.
"That's not the problem here, the problem is that you think you're so special that you don't have to show up on time. What is this? The fifth time? The next time you do this I WILL fire you. You understand that, right?"
I stop, turn towards him and say,
"Fourth. Yeah, I understand.".
John seems to be confused by this statement. Usually, if someone were to say this to him he would lash back about them being a smart ass, but no... not this time. I can tell he senses the sincerity in my voice. No anger, no resentment, not even a hint of any regret. He raises his hand as if he was about to speak (he is the type who has to motion out everything they say) but then suddenly lowers it and walks away.
I turn and continue into the lounge, my mind, still in its daze...
"Good Morning!"
Stacy, a girl from customer service, enthusiastically shouts to me as i trudge past all the other employees. She's one of the few that I actually talk to. I look towards her, fake a smile, and reply..
"Morning..."
I can tell that she wants to have more of a conversation, but I ignore the signal. I walk into the lounge, pull my employee vest out of my bag and throw the bag into a locker. The blue vest with a giant yellow tag on the back screams hideous, but it's not like I have a choice. I need the money; it's always been about the money.
While exiting the room I slip the vest on, button it up, and adjust the rest of my clothing. I head towards the over-sized sign that reads "CDs & DVDs". They've been moving every thing around lately. It seems to annoy the employees just as much as the costumers, as for me? It doesn't matter. It's not like a few lowly employees being unhappy about it will make corporate change their minds, so I choose to embrace my new location.
I scan my eyes down the rows of CDs , fixing any slight displacements there might be. This is where my OCD comes in handy. Symmetry is everything to me, at least when i am paying attention to the world outside my mind. Q. R. S. T. Almost done, just a few more sections then... I hear the sound of discs tumbling behind me, I turn my head and see that one of the warehouse guys ran into the CD stands.
"Sorry!"
After an overly drawn out sigh I head over to the stand and begin picking up the CDs off the ground. Luckily none of them are damaged, if they were, i'd take the blame. The man who knocked them over continues walking away, pulling a large palette behind him. I look up and beside be is the guy from the game section, Steve, I think it was... He looks at me and smiles...
"They really need to be more careful."
I force a laugh and reply,
"Does this happen a lot to you?"
"Used to, when I worked over in this area."
A few moments of silence pass before I say anything...
"Thanks..."
"Oh it's no problem man, take it easy."
He gives me a friendly slap on the back after handing me the last of the CDs. I slide the them into their place, then return to my earlier chore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know the grammar is probably not the best, any suggestions are welcome.
Comments
I stopped here.
Thanks.
I'm no writer, grammar seems fine
but now you've got me interested to know what the story is about? XD
I haven't really decided the full storyline yet, only the setting.
It's set as my vision of what the future could be like (for me), but that is dull on its own, so I am trying to think of some kinda twist to add in it. Gaming will probably be a huge part of the story, so you can expect some rather interesting "action" scenes so to speak. I was never really good at planning a plot.
*Edit*
Working on the second chapter as we speak, they are rather small, so i will post it when i'm done.
Sorry Wolfen, it took me a while, but here is an update if you're still interested.
I liked it alot! deffinitly intrested on what happens next.
Please check out my channel. I do gaming reviews, gaming related reviews & lets plays. Thanks!
https://www.youtube.com/user/BettyofDewm/videos
Thank you for taking the time to read it.
After i get a few more "chapters" done i'll update it again.
Thank you.
fixed.
When I decide to buy a book from a writer I've never read before I always make sure to scan a few random sentences. I want to make sure that the writing flows before I purchase it because even if I don't care for it, at least I'll be able to get through it. The problem here is that the writing is just way to jumpy and jagged. What I mean by this is that the reader gets caught up on every few words. Through my own fairly limited attempts at writing I've learned that there are two common rookie mistakes. Either you progress the story way too quickly or you are just way too descriptive. It's possible to do both, but you seem only to be guilty of the latter. When you overload the reader on so many Metaphors and Similes in just a handful of sentences you make reading your work unpleasant.
My advice would be to smooth out the writing quite a lot so that the occasional literary flourish really stands out, and I'd also suggest you cool it with all the psychobabble so early on. Personally I could do without any of this in my reading(hell I don't even like it in Movies or on TV) but starting it so early will just turn off readers(I'd Gamble the Majority) who would tolerate it if it was used after we had time to get into the story.
Oh, and I would strongly advise you to watch your point-of-view. The writing jumps from Third Person to First Person and back to Third Person right at the end there. Possibly you did this deliberately, but even if you plan to use multiple Point of Views I wouldn't swap back and forth so quickly. Besides the two rookie mistakes I listed above, Point of View is one of the biggest challenges for me when I try to write something. Probably best to just use the First Person to start a chapter off, then stay with Third until you start another one.
Updated : 2 new "sections"
Thanks for this, I was really having trouble with the balance when I first started, though now I think I am coming to a better flow. As for the perspective thing, I kind of want to create a sense that the character has a disconnection with himself, so this is on purpose.
I will see what I can do, though.
EDIT: There are a million ways I could rationalize the beginning, though I guess the best way to say it is "I would like the reader to feel like 'The story' is moving sluggishly as the character does." In the beginning at least.
I used to write like you. The main thing I was always told in college about my writing is that I write too much without saying anything. It makes it read like you're trying to hard. If you're telling a story just tell the story.
@Laserwolf
1pv-3pv-1pv jump fixed.
@clwoods
I, sadly, have no plot. I just write for the sake of writing.
And it looks like I'm ahead of the game if I can get my writing fixed before I have to take the SATs
@Vendayn
I'll see what I can do, thanks.
"A sublime teal pin stripe, tranquil against the grungy gray walls."
I couldn't stomache this to read further. I'm sorry but when anything starts out like that, I get nausiated.
"A sublime teal pin stripe, tranquil against the grungy gray walls."
I couldn't stomache this to read further. I'm sorry but when anything starts out like that, I get nausiated.
You had my favorite avatar on these forums. Then you go and change it, wtf chica?
@OP: You might want to try writing essays if you don't have an established place to take your stories. Getting to a point in a story or novel and discovering you have no clue where you're going isn't a fun experience. I've scrapped over a hundred pages because of this problem.
I think the first thing to figure out when you're writing something is, what is this all about, what is the agenda and the objective.
If that isn't clear, then the story doesn't flow well, it doesn't become a "natural" story.
You end up getting more focus on how the beginning should be rather than what the story really is about. The beginning has to grab the readers interest right away, and I think that is done when the story is natural - you see that the beginning isn't an attempt to be something that it isn't, but rather the beginning is what it should be - simply a beginning, an introduction.
The last book I read was related to an mmo I played, Age of Conan, so I decided to buy the somewhat complete works of the author of Conan.
Here's the beginning of his first novel, The Phoenix on the Sword:
"Over shadowy spire's and gleaming towers lay the ghostly darkness and silence that runs before dawn. Into a dim alley, one of a veritable labyrinth of mysterious winding ways, four masked figures came hurriedly from a door which a dusky hand furtively opened. They spoke not but went swiftly into the gloom, cloaks wrapped closely about them; as silently as the ghosts of murdered men they disappeared in the darkness. Behind them a sardonic countenance was framed in the partly opened door; a pair of evil eyes glittered malevolently in the gloom.
"Go into the night, creatures of the night," a voice mocked. "Oh, fools, your doom hounds your heels like a blind dog, and you know it not." The speaker closed the door and bolted it, then turned and went up the corridor, candle in hand. He was a somber giant, whose dusky skin revealed his Stygian blood. He came into an inner chamber, where a tall, lean man in worn velvet lounged like a great lazy cat on a silken couch, sipping wine from a huge golden goblet."
He's using retrospective. looking back at what happened. "the towers lay", "the figures came", he starts of right away with looking back at the events. And as I remember he continues throughout the book with the same point of view, that means the reader doesn't get distracted by changing time when there seems to be no need for it. He's telling a story, so it usually fits best with past tense
Your story starts at a present view, then go to looking past tense, then to present, then to past tense, back and forth, and that doesn't seem to serve the story well.
It just confuse the reader, because it doesn't seem to have any point to it.
Also you write things that are said without informing where or what is saying them, if it is a thought or a whisper or a shout, a soft voice or a growl. Just as some examples:
Like: "How many days has it been....?" He wondered, confused.
Or: He rubbed his eyes, wondering how many days had gone by.
Or: Then a voice, from nowhere, saying: "How many days has it been...?" Was that himself thinking out loud or was there someone lese in the room?
BAsically I think you should avoid all those "quotes" and rather explain what is being said or thought in a sentence, cause you have an awful lot of them, to the point that it looks more like a manuscript than a readable story.
Insstead of the warehouse guy just stating "Sorry!" with another quote, you could write:
he apologised, busy doing whatever he was up to.
or: "Sorry", he said with a surprised look on his face.
So you have to let the reader in on the situation, instead of trying to make a mystery that doesn't allow explanations if you see what I mean.
But the most important thing is that you have the agenda for the story clear, what is it about, what are you really trying to tell. Then the whole story will flow more naturally, and you get less focused on trying to present it in a "catchy" way.
It's like with movies that have a thin story, they back it up with explosions and cinema effects, loud noise and so on.
But if you have a good story, it can actually be rather "quiet" because the story itself is thrilling enough.
Try to write some version of your opening and see what you feel flows best, what gets most to the point and don't fuss around to much with techniques.
Good luck
"A sublime teal pin stripe, tranquil against the grungy gray walls."
I couldn't stomache this to read further. I'm sorry but when anything starts out like that, I get nausiated.
You had my favorite avatar on these forums. Then you go and change it, wtf chica?
@OP: You might want to try writing essays if you don't have an established place to take your stories. Getting to a point in a story or novel and discovering you have no clue where you're going isn't a fun experience. I've scrapped over a hundred pages because of this problem.
LOL my friend told me My avatar was scaring them and sent me this cute devil kitty instead, so I changed it temporarily to allow them to sleep.
No worries, I still have my fluffy scoobie the devil kitty avatar saved. People send me devil pics all the time.
LOL my friend told me My avatar was scaring them and sent me this cute devil kitty instead, so I changed it temporarily to allow them to sleep.
No worries, I still have my fluffy scoobie the devil kitty avatar saved. People send me devil pics all the time.
I hated that thing, I'm glad you took it down. The one you have now isn't bad. But I liked your original one the best. You know, the chic with the nice booty.
TY all, will take everything in mind when i get the chance to rework the intro.
As for the story: I have a verrryyy vague idea, but it's a start isn't it?
Alright, i'll probably update in a day or so.
Thanks again,
~Bryan
LOL my friend told me My avatar was scaring them and sent me this cute devil kitty instead, so I changed it temporarily to allow them to sleep.
No worries, I still have my fluffy scoobie the devil kitty avatar saved. People send me devil pics all the time.
I hated that thing, I'm glad you took it down. The one you have now isn't bad. But I liked your original one the best. You know, the chic with the nice booty.
LOL that was Jenna Jameson .. no wonder you liked it.
This.