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Best joke contest
kel11
Member Posts: 1,089
I am holding a contest for the one who can make me laugh the most! *loud music starts playing*
It is your chance to win 2 billion bajillion bagillion dollars! *laughter in crowd*
Just tell jokes lol and i rate !
Change my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind change me so much I can't even trust myself
Comments
The ABCs of women
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
knock knock?
The Poopie List
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
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Three Girls Go Camping
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
On Time? On Target? Never Quit?
Three friends were out walking their dogs when they got thirsty and decided to head to a bar across the street. At the door was a huge bouncer and a sign that read no dogs allowed. Not wanting to leave their dogs outside they contemplated:
One guys says, "See that sign? He'll never let us in with these dogs."
Another guy says, "Hey just watch me and follow my lead."
He then flips out a pair of sunglasses, puts them on and starts across the street to the bar. As soon as he gets to the door the bouncer says, "Hey buddy! I can't let you in here with that dog."
Guy #1: "Oh, this is my seeing eye dog."
Bouncer: "A Doberman?"
Guy #1: "Yeah a study was done saying they were as smart as German Shepards."
Bouncer: "Oh yeah? Well sorry about that mac go right on in."
The other two guys looked at each other astonished. Thinking that if he can do it they might as well give it a shot, the second guy flipped out a pair of shades and starts walking toward the bar:
Bouncer: "Hey! I can't let you in with that dog."
Guy #2: "This is my seeing eye dog."
Bouncer: "A Rottweiler!?"
Guy #2: "Yeah they cross breed them with retrievers to make them smarter."
Bouncer looking irritated: "Well......I guess man. Go on in."
The last guy, not to be out done by his buddies, flips out a pair of sunglasses and starts heading to the bar:
Bouncer: "Hold it right there. I can't let you inside with that dog."
Guy #3: "But this is my seeing eye dog."
Bouncer: "There is no way in hell they're using chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs!"
Guy #3: "Chihuahua?!?! They gave me a fuckin chihuahua!?!?!"
"Small minds talk about people, average minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas."
Mongolia disease
An american guy went vacation to Hong Kong. Staying there for a month, he laid off every night with any chinese girls he could find. After one month later, came back to US but discovered that there are red spot on his dick. Having worries, he went to see the physician.
The doctor told him "This is a very rare Mongolia disease. You have no choice but to amputate in order to save your life." The guy went crazy. But he doesn't want to cut off his dick. So he went to chinese traditional doctor.
"yes yes, it is mongolia disease, very rare" said the chinese doctor. "But you don't need to amputate" The guy was so happy to hear that but. "Wait for one month, the dick will fall off itself, you save money!" said the chinese doctor.