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If your friend/family is disrespectful towards you, what do you do?
LeegOfChldrn
Member Posts: 364
Do you break off your friendship with them? Cut your family ties? Stick with them despite their venom? Stand up for yourself and eventually give in by ignoring it ever happened?
To be honest, I believe that if someone is negative in your life, causes you frustration AND won't change when you try to communicate, hyper-sensitive people who take offense to everything, or people who consistently disrespect you-- are people you shouldn't be around.
Yet many people, especially those who disrespect me, state that doing so would make me a very unforgiving person. Yet... few people ever apologize for what they have done. In fact, I honestly can't remember the last time someone has ever apologized to me, even if what they did was wrong or out of nowhere.
Is there like...a Guy Code, where you dont apologize and just ignore what happened? The last thing I want to be is a girl in guy culture, excommunicated from society because I do not accept silent apologies from mimes. I thought it was a strong trait in males to "stand up for yourself" and refuse to be disrespected? I really don't understand any people, any gender, or any social code. When it comes to conflict, that is.
Coming from a family of intellectuals and Psychologists, I was always taught to intelligently communicate with others with rational logic and calm attempts at resolving conflict. Yet rational communication rarely ever works, unless the other person also specifically seeks rational, logical conflict resolution. I dont want to be one of those nasty elitists though who say "Don't argue with a stupid person. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."
Is working in the field of psychology hindering me to not understand "the bro code" or whatever? Is being rational and attempting mature communication a stupid concept or idea?
Comments
you tell them right to there face as politely as possible.
"you are not healthy for my souls happyness, change or im afraid i cannot let you into my heart anymore."
Hero Evermore
Guild Master of Dragonspine since 1982.
Playing Path of Exile and deeply in love with it.
Your background is most likely a hindrance in this matter, at least for the sake of being able to simply go along with the trend. Many of the behaviors in question defy all logical explaination. But choosing to walk a better path is never a bad idea, mostly regardless of the consequenses. I might suggest changing your approach to meet different situations however, some relationships are worth extra effort, others are not.
As it happens, I believe I know where you are coming from on this issue. I grew up as an exceptionally shy and intellectually oriented individual (INTJ Jung/Myers personality type), had VERY little interaction with my peers, only really opening up to my immediate family and one good lifelong freind who had similar traits. I didn't really begin to come out from behind my books until late in high school, by which point I was badly cut off from those around me, having little to no understanding of their social rituals. I'm still introverted, but have changed to the point where it is not longer a direct hindrance to personal communication.
The problem, as I percieve it, lies with the fact that our present society discourages confrontation, but fails to teach people ways to effectively deal with situations that require it. The result seems to be that we have plenty of people avoiding confrontation simply by ignoring it for as long as possible, and people that are used to getting their way if they become abrasive enough.
I cannot claim to know either the solution for the overall situation, nor the solution that would work best for you. What I chose to do however seemed to work fairly well for me.
-I do not attempt to demand or enforce respect for myself. I will occaisonally do so for others where the circumstances warrant it.
-I stand up for myself in cases where the outcome matters, where I must deal with the individual in question in the long run, and/or where the outcome effects me or those I care for. The manner of confrontation is generally quiet and unyielding perseverance to rational discussion of the issue with just a hint of physical threat. The latter is implied and was at first unintentional, having a 300ish lb 6'2" frame with a football lineman's build tends to have that effect, even if that mass has never been used in anger. I also learned a bit of deliberate body language that enhanced or dimmed the percieved threat as needed. Most people swiftly either brought themselves back down to reasonable discourse, or abandoned the topic entirely. A handful of others would keep getting more and more aggravated, eventually shouting themselves hoarse at the equivalent of a brick wall. Most in either group tend to avoid causing me trouble again, especially if the confrontation happened with an audience. One of the yellers ended up getting fired over the matter (much to the relief of my coworkers). Another later apologized and confessed that I made her feel like an immature brat arguing with a parent.
-I've been lucky enough to avoid having family members that have behavior like you describe that I actually have to deal with. I do have a cousin, uncle, and step-grandmother that fit the bill, but all three live across the country from me. I might have spent a grand total of 48 hours with the first two, I have yet to actually meet the third.
-People that bring poison to their relationship to you and yours are not worth having as a freind. Be forgiving, but only to and with people that are willing to work with you on the problem. People that freely bounce between abuse and redemption may or may not be worth salvaging, but you should not have to put up with it unless you know how to bring about that change yourself, and are willing to put forth that effort.
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
Hemingway
That is quite eloquent. I would just tell them to smarten up or piss off. I've already had to do that with several of my family and friends. You'd be surprised as to how well it works when you're very direct and to the point.
Bren
while(horse==dead)
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beat();
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I can't deal with conflict, physical or emotional. With physical conflict I don't care that people are flinging their fists in my direction, it's that I'm worried how far I'll go if I retaliate. So I don't. Emotional conflict I end up just blanking the people and carrying on with things. Like I had a problem with some family members who accused me of some pretty horrid things, so I just don't bother with that part of the family anymore. They still send Christmas cards and the like, but after what they've said it just seems like a token gesture so most of the time I leave the cards in the envelopes they arrived in.. or just drop them in the trash. I'm polite if I have to deal with them, but no more than I need to be.
Life's too short to bother with people who are disrespectful, so rather than get pulled into the little soap opera that they obviously want to create, I ignore it and carry on as I was. They're the ones with the problem, not me.
Everyone knows that the average female craves asshole traits in men. So how we act in front of our friends is way different than that in the presence of a lady. Any lady.
It's called "putting on an act", and you're guilty of it too.
Writer / Musician / Game Designer
Now Playing: Skyrim, Wurm Online, Tropico 4
Waiting On: GW2, TSW, Archeage, The Rapture
From this small sample, my guess is that you're not an assertive person. It's perfectly OK for you to decide whether you wish to associate (or not) with people who do not treat you with respect. If you don't wish to be around someone then don't. You can choose to tell them or not, but try not to let them give you guilt trips about not subjecting yourself to their actions.
The key point in your post is you saying that it's those very people who treat you poorly who are telling you that it is bad or 'unforgiving' to not tolerate their behavior. This would be very typical behavior from people who are trying to make you feel guilty because you wish to stop them from mistreating you this way. It's their way of maintaining power.
It's your life to choose how you wish to live it, who you wish to associate with, and how much. Anyone who tells you otherwise most likely simply wants to keep the current status quo of them getting their way and pushing you around.
You should consider looking into self help classes or reading materials dealing with self assertiveness. There are entire books that discuss the very things you are experiencing and the feelings you are experiencing. It's not easy and it takes time to learn how, but the end result is worth all of the effort.r
- How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
- I don't know, but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?
Forgiveness is a fine thing. It's also a personal thing. Forgiving someone, is an act of kindness for I do for myself.
If I forgive someone, and then expose myself to them, thus allowing them to shit on me again, thats my mistake.
I cannot change others,
I must set bounderies for myself, points beyond which, I will not go. By the same token I strive to make sure these bounderies, are not walls behind which I hide.
Just a few days ago I had to tare down a wall I built with an old friend. I had to tell him that I do not enjoy telling the kind of jokes we told when we were kids. That I wasn't going to be part of that. For years I would just laugh and say nothing, and by proxy, get pulled into the joke, which, to me, was not funny. Im not 15 anymore, Im 50, and poop isnt funny.
Now thats a very simple illustration, and I offended him, by saying so. Too bad, but thats his buisness. Im not going to be a part of poop jokes any more.(Substitute "poop jokes," for whatever the situation is that you are uncomfortable with)
I dont expect him to stop with the poop. I dont expect him to understand, yet I explained it very clearly. I dont expect him to have boundires, or if he does, the same boundries I have.
I cannot put expectations on him. Only state my position, and respect my own boundry. Self respect, not self righteousness.
I have no controll over what others, do or do not, respect. Whether they, do or do not, respect me.
Am I thus perfect? No, I will continue to both succed and fail, in all manner of things. Often life is a cycle, or series of cycles.
And it aint easy.
See the world and all within it.
Live a lifetime in every minute.
I get angry, say what's wrong, give me and my friend some time to cool things off...
I think this is a good way to say it.
Well in my family we have a fight about, it, some screaming and shouting, insults fly, then its forgotten 10mins later.
But thats usually how families in ireland are, when I went to canada, everyone whispers behind each others back about stuff until that builds up into a MASSIVE arguement.
Maybe thats why North AMerica has more family related murders?
I say try and resolve the situation. Confront them and explain the situation. If they improve their attitude, great. If they don't, at least you know you tried on your end and have a clear conscience. But if they don't come around, just cut connections with that person. The most important thing is to be an adult on your end.
Btw, you only have one life. Don't put up with crap you don't have too.
Thanks a lot!
I really don't understand any people, any gender, or any social code. When it comes to conflict.
I tune am out and ignore them. Best solution because it makes them even more mad. >.>
this is why i do not have face book, or care to text, or email, unless it's job related, and I even hate doing that at best, and it turned me into passive agressive, which is very volalite, and can explole at any point. It's unhealthy , but I cannot help it. I don't celebrate anything, but like you said above sitll get cards for special occassions, and feel a little guilty, but I still dont return shit, or mark them on my calendar, but things still come in the mail... and I am confused, which is why I'm still single, and will probably remain that way for the rest of my life.
There are people out there, sometimes blood relatives, sometimes friends who as my friend describes it are psychic sponges. They drain you emotionally and they drain your patience. When that is ALL the relationship is about, I say move on but leave the door open incase they change. If it is only sometimes this way, try to work through it. You say you don't understand anyone, this is probably pretty true of most people if they will admit it or no. Understanding and acceptance are two different things and maybe that's something you need to look at for yourself too. In the end, none of us are perfect. And while it's true you should be patient with people I also believe you have a right not to be kicked in the teeth so to speak repeatedly by someone.
One of life's lil hand grenades
Yet what do you with people who loudly demand respect. But in actuality deserve very little?
IMO respect is earned, it's not a divine right. And we have codes of law to govern the rest.
I think the fact you're trolling is kind of obvious, but I just wanted to point it out to those of you who are oblivious:
No, working in the "field of psychology" makes you just as ordinary as the McD's deep fryer.
Although I would argue that the deep fryer contributes more to society.
"LeegofChildrn", come on guys, wake up.
This is a sequence of characters intended to produce some profound mental effect, but it has failed.
I shit in their pillow cases.
To be honest if family is disrespectful towards you what are you really going to do about it. it's hard since they're family and what are you going to do, cut off ties with them? I don't think its a good idea to cut ties off with family. In the end they should be the ones always there for you.
Don't think you should cut ties off with friends unless you really don't want to be friends with them. Family can't always be there for you and in the end if you have no friends it'll be lonely.
So....cutting off people isn't good? Unless they aren't really your friends. Thats a different story.
I thought it was a strong trait in males to "stand up for yourself" and refuse to be disrespected? I really don't understand any people, any gender, or any social code. When it comes to conflict, that is.
This is why I do not hang around average girls. I tell you, the life of less drama has been a great boon to my sanity, too!
My blog is a continuing story of what MMO's should be like.