Tell A Funny Joke

porgie · May 2006

Tell a funny joke. Make everyone laugh.
Just keep them clean please. Don't want the thread to get locked.

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

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gnomexxx · May 2006

Jon Stewart joke...

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old fashioned way this year. I invited all the people in my neighborhood over to my house, served them an enormous feast, and then killed them and took all their land.

MUHzzxK0 · May 2006

Taken from break.com:

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

Xexima · May 2006

CORNY JOKE:

Two muffins are sitting in an oven, the first muffin says to the other "Wow, its hot in here."

The other muffin says "wow! a talking muffin!"

patheos · May 2006

A few years ago at a highschool foot ball game, my mom was getting me food when we walked in to the game ( this was before i could drive so...3 years ago or so. anywho a childhood family friend saw my mom and my mom said hello, he said hi, could i borrow 5 bucks for food? My mom said oh yes andy, and gave him the 5...

A few hours later, i was with one of my friends and i was tagging along to a drug deal ( cause we were hanging out afterwards) low and behold its andy, and he buys 5 bucks worth...

never forget that night, god that was funny.

(he made it clear that it was my moms 5, by his laugh)

reavo · May 2006

Okay.

Two guys walk into a bar.

One guy says, "Oh you didn't see that either."

juice_pops · May 2006

Alright. Might be sort of dirty... Here it is:

A Banana says to a dildo, "What are you shaking for she's going to eat me"

Razorback · May 2006

At the president's morning briefing, Donald Rumsfeld told George Bush that the day before, three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.

To the secretary of defense's amazement, Bush reacted with a groan of dismay, slumping forward at his desk and burying his face in his hands.

When he looked up, he was visibly shaken, almost in tears, his face ashen.

"Oh my God!" the president cried. "Tell me, exactly, how many is a 'brazillion'?"

BTW... whats a "dildo"

kleamovich · May 2006

Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

kleamovich · May 2006

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

modjoe86 · May 2006

Originally posted by Razorback

At the president's morning briefing, Donald Rumsfeld told George Bush that the day before, three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.

To the secretary of defense's amazement, Bush reacted with a groan of dismay, slumping forward at his desk and burying his face in his hands.

When he looked up, he was visibly shaken, almost in tears, his face ashen.
"Oh my God!" the president cried. "Tell me, exactly, how many is a 'brazillion'?"

BTW... whats a "dildo"

That's the first one that actually made me visibly laugh.

modjoe86 · May 2006

Originally posted by kleamovich

Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.
The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."
They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

Hey, I'm from Arkansas. My mom, who also happens to be my sister, fell for that once. Damn dry cleaners.

Razorback · May 2006

Cowinspace · May 2006

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some
bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never
have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't have any.''

''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.

''Do you have the container it comes in?''

''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who
looks at it and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant.''

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''

Dis_Ordur · May 2006

Good thread!

Here is a really funny pickup line: "Does this rag smell like chloroform?"

Here is a joke:

Drunk ass walks up in the middle of winter to a house at 3 am and pounds on the door.

Waking the husband up, he comes to the door and says, "WTF do you want? It is 3 am!!!!"

Drunk ass says in slurred words, "I need a push, canya give me a push please?"

The husband became more irrate and says, "Hell no! Get the hell of my front porch before I call the cops!!!"

The husband goes back to bed, the wife asks what the commotion was, the husband said "It's nothing, go back to bed."

A couple minutes later the drunk ass knocks at the door again!

The husband, obviously enraged gets out of bed again! "What in god's name do you think you are doing? This is your last chance, get out of here or I WILL CALL THE POLICE YOU DRUNKEN BUM!!!"

He goes back upstairs to the bedroom, his wife was fully awake now and demended to know what is going on, after speaking to his wife, she reminded him that the week prior, they were stranded roadside and a stranger helped them, and implored her husband to go outside and help the guy. The husband reluctantly agreed.

He steps outside in the cold air and says, "Hey buddy, you still need that push?"

He hears a voice coming from behind the house, drunk ass says, "Hell yeah!"

The husband yells, "Where are you?!?!?!?!"

Drunk ass says, "In your backyard, on the swingset!"

Kontra · May 2006

I think this one could be considered clean.

Two guys go to a beach for Spring Break. The first guy is having no luck with the ladies but the second guy is going back to room every hour with a differnt girl. The first guy decides to ask his buddy how he does it.

His buddy tells him "You have to go the store and buy the biggest cucumber you can find and a pair of the tightest speedos you can find. Then just put the speedos on and stick the cucumber and girls will be begging to get with you man."

The first guy goes to the store...gets the cucumber and the speedos. He goes back to the beach and puts on the speedo and sticks the cucumber down it. He walks around the beach all day and gets nothing but dissgusted looks and odd stares. So the guy goes and finds his buddy to ask what he is doing wrong.

His buddy tells him "The speedos are nice and tight yes...and the cucumber is pretty big too. But what you need to do is put the cucumber in front"

kimmar · May 2006

Originally posted by Dis_Ordur

Good thread!

Here is a really funny pickup line: "Does this rag smell like chloroform?"

Here is a joke:

Drunk ass walks up in the middle of winter to a house at 3 am and pounds on the door.
Waking the husband up, he comes to the door and says, "WTF do you want? It is 3 am!!!!"
Drunk ass says in slurred words, "I need a push, canya give me a push please?"
The husband became more irrate and says, "Hell no! Get the hell of my front porch before I call the cops!!!"
The husband goes back to bed, the wife asks what the commotion was, the husband said "It's nothing, go back to bed."
A couple minutes later the drunk ass knocks at the door again!
The husband, obviously enraged gets out of bed again! "What in god's name do you think you are doing? This is your last chance, get out of here or I WILL CALL THE POLICE YOU DRUNKEN BUM!!!"
He goes back upstairs to the bedroom, his wife was fully awake now and demended to know what is going on, after speaking to his wife, she reminded him that the week prior, they were stranded roadside and a stranger helped them, and implored her husband to go outside and help the guy. The husband reluctantly agreed.
He steps outside in the cold air and says, "Hey buddy, you still need that push?"
He hears a voice coming from behind the house, drunk ass says, "Hell yeah!"
The husband yells, "Where are you?!?!?!?!"
Drunk ass says, "In your backyard, on the swingset!"

I kept waiting for the word "CHAPSTICK".

Sorry, I just saw Mothman the other day.

kimmar · May 2006

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs
up.

upallnight · May 2006

If you're behind the Pilsbury dough boy and he bends over, what do you see? - Doughnuts !

I tried.

beautyisin · May 2006

Deleted my joke

Kontra · May 2006

Originally posted by Xexima

CORNY JOKE:
Two muffins are sitting in an oven, the first muffin says to the other "Wow, its hot in here."
The other muffin says "wow! a talking muffin!"

I read this joke this morning...and all I thought was "man, that was a dorky joke." But for the rest of the day I couldn't get it out of my head and it gets funny everytime I think about it.

Good Job

tetsul · May 2006

Two old men are sitting in a park when a dog sits down in front of them and starts licking his testicles.

The one old man says "Man, I wish I could do that"

And the other old man says "Well maybe you should pet the dog first"

zethcarn · May 2006

funny thread.

Michael Jackson jokes:

When is it time to go to bed at the Neverland Ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand.

Michael Jackson was at Sears the other day, he heard little boys pants were half off.

What did the guy at the beach say to Michael Jackson? Get out of my son!

Michael Jackson is selling his Neverland Ranch. Apparently he isn't attracted to it anymore now that it's over 15 years old.

dargonight · May 2006

A guy named Bubba dies in a house fire and his body is badly burned. The mortician takes him to a monastary to examine the body. The face is badly burned so he can't be sure if it's Bubba. He calls Bubba's two closes friend to help him examine the body. The mortician calls the first friend in and tells him to look at the body. The first friend looked the body over abd ays "Yup, hes pretty burnt. Turn him over". The mortician turns him over and the friend said "Nope, that aint Bubba". The mortician calls in the second friend to look the body over. The second friend looks the body over and says "Well, hes pretty badly burned, turn him over. The friend then says "Nope, that aint Bubba". Puzzeled by this the mortician says "How can you tell"? The friend says "Well, Bubba had two assholes". Startled, the mortician says in surprise "Bubba had two assholes"? "Yeh" says the second friend, "Everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we'd walk into town everyone would shout 'Hey, here comes Bubba and them two assholes'".

Neptus · May 2006

A guy named Bubba dies in a house fire and his body is badly burned. The mortician takes him to a monastary to examine the body. The face is badly burned so he can't be sure if it's Bubba. He calls Bubba's two closes friend to help him examine the body. The mortician calls the first friend in and tells him to look at the body. The first friend looked the body over abd ays "Yup, hes pretty burnt. Turn him over". The mortician turns him over and the friend said "Nope, that aint Bubba". The mortician calls in the second friend to look the body over. The second friend looks the body over and says "Well, hes pretty badly burned, turn him over. The friend then says "Nope, that aint Bubba". Puzzeled by this the mortician says "How can you tell"? The friend says "Well, Bubba had two assholes". Startled, the mortician says in surprise "Bubba had two assholes"? "Yeh" says the second friend, "Everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we'd walk into town everyone would shout 'Hey, here comes Bubba and them two assholes'".

Talk about dirty...

Shesh people...

Hardcorebass · May 2006

This is a large one:

A man is walking in a street and he sees a piece of string hanging that reaches to heaven. He climbs the string and he meets the Saint in heaven. The Saint says: " You can go trough this gate, but only for half an hour! Or else you need to stay here!"

The man agrees but he comes to late back to the gate. The Saint says:" I can only do one thing for you: I can change you in a spider and so you can make your own string from your ass."

The man agrees and he changes in a spider. He pushed and pushed and then there came a string out of his ass. He climbed down and keeped pushing. At one moment he here's a voice: "Tom, wake up, you are shithing the whole bed!!!!!!!!"

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